Too young to die, too innocent for this world.

Today is the anniversery of when my little sister died. This also means it was my daughters birthday yesterday. Normally I just about manage to get through it but yesterday I found it really hard. I went to get some food for the party on my own and couldnt stop crying and getting upset. It is so hard this hanging over her birthday. I hate it that my little girl has this hanging over her birthday every year. Right now is the time she would have been took in the ambulance with my mum and dad following her. The police told us she was dead as soon as they had gone.  

Its 5 to six in the morning. We went out together for his birthday.He virtually ignored me as soon as we got in the club. So I left at 12 he still isnt home and has turned his phone off. But yet im still the one with the problem. Everyday I start to feel more and more worthless. 

Today is shit

Today is shit. Yesterday was shit too. Yesterday I wanted to get all the stuff for my partners birthday. Then my sister in law asked if I could pick up her daughter as her other daughter was in a dance show and wouldnt be back in time. I know this dosent sound anything major but I really cant manage more task then one. Its sets me into panic mode and I cant deal with it. Anyway so I went to get the birthday stuff shopping for ages. Laden with arms full of stuff I got to the till and realized my bankcard wasnt in my purse. F*%&* B&^^$£& F^$%^ F%$£ I then also realize i am going to be late picking her up. Shitty shit shit. So I pick her up and realize her mum didnt actually tell me what she wanted me to do with her when I pick her up and my battery is flat. BALLS im getting a bit mad now. So I found a phone box and asked my partner to ring his sister, we were near her house and what did she want me to do. She is still at the show, it still hasnt finished and it is round the corner from my house at the other end of town. OK my partner has left work by this time and half way home about 10 minutes away from me. I ask him to meet me so he can drive and tell his sister to meet at our house. I have still not fetched any presents for his birthday BALLS again. So we get home. His sister is there the kids do the frantic running up and down the stairs and its getting late. The kids are all hungry and by the time she gets the kids home on two buses it would be even later. So I make everyone tea together and take her and the kids home. It is now 7.30 and I still havent got anything. F%£$%£$%%^%^$%^$^$^$^$ now im mega stressed. I have been having panic attacks but cant facce telling anyone and keep going dizzy. Im getting more irate and just want to get stuff done and settle. Where on earth am I going to get his birthday presents from at this time? Well the only thing open is the supermarkets and toysrus at the other end of town. So he ends up with a doctor who birthday cake a toy WALL-E and a clock/counter thing for his bike. He will have to come with me to go back for the clothes I had to leave in the shop. At least I had bought a bag full of his favourite shiney stuff from poundland he seems impressed. 

Anyway so today I am just feeling shit again. I am going though emotions at ten paces since the counselling. Today I just feel pissed off. It sounds really silly but my partner has gone to work and I cant help feeling that he didnt want to spend his birthday with us. I feel like he doesnt want me to go out with him at the weekend (or ever) and that he dosent want me to be a part of it. I dont know why but I cant get it out of my head. He says he just feels rubbish because he is 30 and feeling old and shit. He is only 30 though and I dont understand why he feels like that.  We met on his birthday so it feels special and now I am feeling a bit rejected. I think I am just being slefish though. It is his birthday not mine. Its also his first birthday with our daughter and I would have like us to have been together. Dam it. I know im being a cow but I feel so upset. I havent even got anything ready for when he gets back from work. Im just so fed up. I wanted today to be nice.

A visit to the counceller

ok so today was my second visit to the councellor. The first was my initial assesment back in december and after a mix up with them sending my appointments to the old house I have been for my second visit. To be honest I am not to sure if it helps but it is only the second visit and there is a lot to deal with. I have been feeling better in myself lately I think a lot to do with the weather. My partner is back on his tablets and although he dosent think they help it is a nightmare when he dosent have them. I have been having about a zillion panic attacks in a day but to be honest they just piss me off. I am used to the bad thoughts I get them all the time but the panic attacks just make me shake and tremble. My thoughts I can distract myself but I cant stop the shaking. I even get them when I am fine. But I wont die from them I will get better they are just a pain in the ass. I cant let that beat me after getting through everything else. (hmmm it almost feels like I have a bit of me back. The me that had some fight in her that is). Anyway so at the councilling we talked about a few of my many issues. What were the trigger things that caused my depression. I realised well say realisesd but kind of knew that I was depressed from my teens. I was 13 when my brother got leukimia and I remember looking out of my bedroom window wanting to jump out. Im not sure if it was that or my dad being an arsehole or a combination of them both. (Which reminds me I have to deal with the issues about my dad. He crops up in my head all the time and I cant get past not knowing how I feel). I think in general we all became depressed then. As parents my mum and dad went through hell thinking they may lose their son. To then go and lose their daughter at such a young age is horrific. My mum and dad were children when they got together and I guess were still children when they had me at 19. To say they fought the rough times is an understatement. Yet my mum has always tried to do the best for us at any lengths, even my dad had a side to him that was the most loving dad in the world. Not often enough though and not a big enough man to be a proper father to his sons. I blame the raged cow that is his mother though too. You teach your children love compassion and responsiblity not that you are the queen and if you dont abide I will hit you with a belt. She even used to hit her sons in the balls so the would be bent to her level. Motherly love my arse. So anyway. the councellor asked about lots of things. What had triggered my deprression. So he got the list. Well what I could remember at the time. Then asked me what mood this made me in. Well my moods are pretty pessimistic. I am scared of being happy incase something bad happens and I feel constantly tired and lethargic only with a slight improvement from the warmer weather. He asked how my moods affected my behaviour. THe main one being that I avoid doing things I would have normally enjoyed. If I have something planned, I will get up get everyone ready and go. So before I have the chance to start thinking I am already at my destination. If I have no firm plan in place I will spend the day wanting to get a whole load of things done and then umming and ahhing about how I cant do this because of this and I need to get that done. Then the end result is naff all gets done. To be quite honest this is one thing that really really pisses me off about myself. I generally just do things. I never think I cant do something. I just do it and discover I can or I cant. Then I think oh well at least I tried and either try again or am fairly happy that I just wanted to see if I could. Lately though I try nothing and feel like I achieve nothing and am very ashamed of myself for that. 

So I have forgot where I am at now. Oh yeah so another one of the things I said was about my concentration. I said I feel stupid. In all honestly I feel as thick as pig shit to the point it gives me headaches trying to acheive the most simplist of tasks. He said this was a common symptom of depression. He later also said that I had called my self stupid an extreme number of times and that I was infact far from stupid. Now I dont know whether or not my councellor realizeses this but in that one sentence he made the biggest difference you could imagine. At the time I just cried when he said it but since he did all I can think of is I AM NOT STUPID. Good eh. I guess it dosent mean that much really and im sure my family have told me it a number of times but guess what everyone I AM NOT STUPID. Even if I cant spell lol. It feels massive and huge because after all this time I am not stupid. 

He also said that I need to spend some time on me. Hmmm Im not sure that will happen but I will have to try. What can I do though? I guess I could go for a cup of tea or something. I have promised to do race for life so maybe the running on my own will do me good. I also want to spend more guilt free time with my children instead of feeling like my partners son is missing out because he is at his mums. I know my partner finds it hard and it is a shame when he misses some things but my children cannot wait around doing nothing because he is not here. I also want to spend some time on my own with the baby. On a saturday my oldest two spend the day with their dad. I hate them going if im honest. He is a wanker (sorry) but they love going. I spend the day terrified because they are not with me, yes I know you may think I am over dramatical but I cant help needing to protect them from everything. I am their mum. On saturdays though my partners son is with us. Dont get me wrong I love spending time with him but it is an automatic presumption that i am looking after him. My partner needs to spend some quality time with him being daddy and son and I need to spend time with my baby. Even he had the one to one time with me when we first met that my older two did singing songs and having cuddles. He was only little and needed that too but I also need that time with my little girl. IT is important time for me. I remember the same quality time with my mum, my sisters and brothers with my mum and even my cousins and us with my aunties and my Omi (My mums mum) It is a magical time for bonding and invaluable time you cant get back. I need that with my baby aswell as more quality time with my oldest two. 

He also said that me and my partner need to spend some time together building our relationship back up. I know I love him. There is not a doubt in my mind but yes I have to admit it, I have started to dislike him and want to kick his ass lol. Dont get me wrong he can pick his nose, I still love him, he can fart I still love him (good job really given that I fart on his leg most mornings) but at times he has comprimised our relationship (and i have to) and these things need repairing. He wrote me a letter today, well email, infact it may sound like the easy way but he was at work outside in the freezing cold trying to email on a phone that does nothing what your trying to make it do and all in slow motion. So having done something it takes you twenty minutes for it to open the wrong page so you have another twenty minutes before you can start again. This has gone unnoticed and I am very overwhelmed. In it he told me how much he loved me and that he was pushing me away because he was scared that someone could take me away from him. 

  The letter was so lovely apart from him feeling rubbish about himself. There isnt a man on this earth that could take me away from him. The only man that can do that is himself. He does have to get himself better and stop pushing me away. You cant build a relationship on fear. 

anyway I think I have written as much as I can bear to go into now. Today has had me all over with emotions. Maybe ill write more later. 

We also talked about my relationship. How my partner retreats into himself and how he dosent do it intentionaly but how I find it frustrating and find I am left feeling lumbered. We talked of ways that we could make time for each other and that my partners confidence is so low it impinges on us. I do understand how he 

Love wont make it stop.

A lot of our troubles I think come from my partners drinking. I hate to say it but it makes him a twat. Sorry folks. The thing is he dosent drink in the day at all. He waits till the kids are in bed and gets himself a beer and this is where the trouble begins. He cant just have one or two he keeps going until there is nothing left. If I have bought myself a bottle of wine or even if someone else has bought me one, he will drink that. I rarely do have any but if I do it will be there all week unless he decides it his. Then most recently I have found hidden bottles. When we moved out of te old house I found an empty bottle of vodka. Then last month I found one behined the cooker. Last night he bought 3 bottles of beer. I thought fair enough thats not much probably less then most average blokes drink in a night. I feel asleep on the settee and he came back into the room pissed as a far. Me a bit confused asked him ow on earth he had got so drunk with nothing in the house? Apparently he has an emergency hip flask. To say I could have kicked his ass is an understatement. I said nothing and went to bed. He slept on the settee. I said nothing about it when I gave him his breakfast or when he went to work. Usually I would go mad. It doesnt help, it dosent stop him drinking and it dosent help my bad temper. So I have booked him an appointment at the doctors. He is going. My dad was an alcholic bully am I heading down the same path again? 

I really am so fed up and still havent stopped shaking. I even went to clean out the car to distract me from it. 

Today I am a mess

Ok today after a few crappy days and trying to be ok I am a mess. I am having one panic attack after another and im shaking like mad. First we had valentines day that was a complete pile of crap. I had a lovely day with the kids but according to my partner what is the point in making any effort. What makes it worse is the night before he went out with his friends and got hammered. He came back drunk telling me how he was going to propose and how much he loved me. The next morning he left me too get up with the kids while he carried on snoozing. Asked him to have breakast with us, still snoozing. I took him a coffee and he fell asleep drinking it. He finally got up and was annoyed with me because he overslept. Yes cheers. Anyway so we sorted things out and he said he wants us to get married. We told our families and my brother is not pleased at all. Infact im starting to wonder if anyone is. I understand why my brother is not that happy. In recent months my brother has seen me slipping from a strong independant woman to an emotional mess. This isnt just to do with my relationship though although a fairly dominant part but it is a lot to do with past issues that I have never dealt with. 

I dont know. I do feel upset about my brother though. It has hurt because I dont always agree with his decisions about his love life but have always said I will support his choices. I would never want to push him away and would always want him to feel if the shit hit the fan I am here. So yes I am feeling a bit hurt. 

Another thing that happened yesterday and is probably the biggest reason for the panic attacks today. I had been trying for ages to get the baby to sleep. I was shattered te baby was shattered and getting restless. I had just got her to sleep when there was the loudest knocking on the door. Even te dogs didnt take kindly to the banging, so it set them off thinking something was wrong and barking like mad. Now bear in mind this was only around 2 o clock in the afternoon. I opened the door to a bloke swaying stinking of booze, can of cider in his hand and cider dribbling out of his mouth and all down his front. Another mate of the landlords asking if he is in and as he wasnt could I send him his love. Needless to say I was quite shock up and extremly pissed off. We already had some friends of his knocking on the door that were known smack heads. I have young children I really dont want these people at my door especially when my partner is at work. So now everytime someone goes passed I am shaking again. Great stuff. 

ups and downs

Well i havent posted for a few days, well probably a bit longer. I would like to say thats because I have been better but im afraid not. I have been out a lot more so in that respect I have but in myself I have been panicking a lot and me and my partner have not been getting on that well yet again. We go from one extreme to the other and I really dont understand it at times. When we are good we are amazing when we are not we are shocking. The thing is he is everything I could hope for. He is my best friend and the sexist man in the world. All the right boxes are ticked whatever they are in a relationship. The only thing standing between us is our feeling down. My partner is on antidepressants, he is extremely depressed and gets very low. He is very self destructive and this is a main effect of him having such low self confidence. The thing I find hard to deal with is the other side of him. The man I fell in love with is loving and protective and treated me like I was a fragile precious jewel. The poorly man is the opposite. He really is so horrible to me at times. Saying the cruelest things. I look at him and cant believe the man that loved me so much could be so hateful. It has got better since he went on the antidepressants although he struggles to see the difference but there are still many days when its still there. At times its like he despises me yet he fails to understand why I feel like that. I want that loving man back. I still get butterflies in my tummy when he gets back from work and even a trip to the shops is so much fun with him. But can you really carry on when the bad times are so hard to get through? 

Im chuffing raging again and to angry to put anything else without swearing lol

Looking for a job.

Im in a bit of a quandry with myself at the moment. Now it is very important to me that I am a stay at home mum. I want to be here for the kids but I also want them to see us achieving things. I dont want to be working all day and barely seeing them. That isnt why I had kids. I had them to watch them grow and enjoy them and enjoy being a mum. I know it means we have less money but I would rather buy netto beans and get to be with them then shop at waitrose and miss all the important things to me. Im not having a go at anyone else though. This is what is important to me and my family. Every family does what is best for them. Anyway so I want to raise a deposit to buy a house. We are paying a fair amount more in rent that we can afford and a mortgage would be cheaper. Plus the extra cash after we have saved for a deposit would always come in handy for treats and things. So I am trying to find ways to work from home. We have also talked about my partner working part time so he can be with his son when he is here. So now I just need to think of lots of ways I can work from home and apply for any (if there are any) jobs where companies want home workers. Feel free to give me ideas. 

one of those ideas days

one of the upsides of my moods is the crazy ideas i get. Ideas to do with the kids and things I want to do. The only thing is I find it hard to keep going with these  things once I get down. 

here is my list of things

1. Set up a beravement charity that supports people through what we went through. There are charitys for individual illnesses etc and charitys for beravement in general. There are none I have found however that support the familys remaning. I mean ongoing support and helping them stay together. So many families split up through bereavement. Usually through struggling through the normal things in life added to their grief. 

2. finish my A level Law

3. set up a website based on large family life and activities etc. Lots of ideas but getting them together and up and running is a whole different thing. Hopefully bringing in a little bit of money to save for a deposit on a house. 

er now the baby is crying and I have forgotten everything. 

Ill come back when my brain is back in gear lol. 

Things have been a bit better, I think........

I have been teary every 10 minutes it feels like, but in general I have felt a bit calmer. Me and the kids have done a lot more of the things we would have normally done together. Glueing and sticking mainly. They could do that for hours. They made some parachutes, some snow pictures and having lots of fun. Today they have played outside in the snow. I also had time to think and realise a few things. I have been getting really upset that the kids are not getting as much of my time and we havent been doing the things we normally would have. I realised today though that during the time I was getting upset about I was pregnant with the baby, had the baby. Then just before christmas we find out we are moving house and we need to move out of the old house decorate the new house all just a few weeks before christmas. It was stressful to say the least. I have also realised that this is when the panicking started. In between stripping walls, painting and packing, we were trying to get the christmas shopping done in any gaps we could find. Because I was that stressed and the shops were that packed, I would start getting more and more wound up to the point Ijust had to get out. I walked out so many times with not a clue what I needed, what I had bought, who I had bought for etc etc. I went shopping the other day with my mum and the kids and felt the same wave of panic again. I couldnt tell my mum. I thought I would burst into tears and make it worse. I texted my partner telling him i needed him. I know he couldnt get to me but I just needed to tell him and him just be there even if it was just a reply to my message.  He also phoned me to see if I was ok. I carried on but was glad to get home. When I got home though I dont know if I felt worse or better for getting out. I was really teary after but probably more from me winding myself up. 

I finally admitted to one of my friends how bad I had got. I dont know if they realised I was getting like this or not but I feel lie I havent been the friend I should have been through all this and with me getting so down. I went through a phase of being very angry at people for the littlest things. I still find this now to be honest but know I realise that my thoughts were not always rational. I have extreme feelings for things I cant control. If somebody does something wrong I find it intolerable, when infact we are all human and all cock it up now and again and quite often for some of us. I sould learn to have more patience and tolerence. Its not that I think I am better and can do things better. Quite the opposite.  I just get such strong feelings about things.   

I also tidied up my living room. Now this may sound like nothing major and I may sound like a bit of a lazy get but I really find it difficult to do anything like that. I am just so tired permenatly that everything is a struggle. The stupid thing is there is so much I want to do and want to get done, I just never manage to do it.  I was quite pleased I got it done. It was quite a pig pen what with four kids under 7 and a mummy and a daddy that seem to hoard crap. Now its all nice and cosy and my partner had put a projector screen up for when we all watch a film together. 

I am feeling sick,

I am feeling tired again today. For the past week around the same time of day I feel really queasy. I think it is because I am so tired and because feeding the baby is probably taking all the nutriants from me. I cant remember if I felt this bad with the older two. I wanted to take the kids to my mums today and maybe the park. I really dont feel up to it though. I have got stomach pains, feeling sick and just so tired. I think I will try and have a shower in a bit and see if I feel better. I have to sort myself out. I used to be so independent and did everything on my own with the kids. Dont get me wrong I still had all the fears and didnt really like doing it on my own but once I did it I felt better. I once took the kids camping for a month on my own, too places we had never been to before. Now your lucky if I go to tescos. Dear me I feel so dizzy.

Fear

One of the hardest things about whatever is wrong with me is the fear. Everything scares me. I am constantly scared of something happening to me or my loved ones. I worry about everything and hoave images constantly in my head of bad things happening. I have the thoughts all day then dream bad things all night it has me exhuasted. I guess it always harder after having the kids but one of the hardest times I went through was after my sister died. She had to go to the coroners to find out why she had died. How I got through that time I will never know A little girl to look after and about to have my second anytime I felt like I was going out of my mind. I cant even begin to describe what I dreamt during that time. Mainly because to type it would fill me with horror. I hate living in fear. It restricts what I can do and restricts the kids. I try my best to ignore my thoughts and get on with it but sometimes the fear is to powerful. I will sometimes end up shaking or crying in fear of the things I have imagined. Its horrible being trapped in this circle of feeling down and scared. The worse thing is when someone tells you your fears are irrational. Well they are not. My fears came true. The bad things have happened and I cant bare to go through them again. So I spend everyday being scared of everything.

Dealing with bipolar.

Now I dont know which one of us suffers this or whether its both of us. The thing is we both react to each others mood. He feels like I dont love him and I feel like he dosent love me. I cant bear the insecurity of it all. He tells me he loves me all the time. He hugs me all the time but I think I feel stressed about it. Lately I have been feeling like he is only hugging me to lead to something else. I dont think I really believe that deep down. He has always cuddle me and things and often and I love it. I think i just want to be hugged not hugged for sex. I think i need more tenderness from him. Its hard though when both our moods are all over the place. It dosent help that he is drinking. He dosent drink a lot at home only in the evenings and not every night but I feel like it controls him and his moods. When he goes out his confidence is so low he has to be wrecked. We barely go out anyway anymore especially with the baby but when he does it worries me that he needs to get in such a state. One of his friends thinks it is funny to get him in those states. His other friends dont and tell him enough is enough. The friend that does though is a big influence on him. He is the one that would leave him in that state though. Everybody else wont leave him to get home in that state and tries to discourage him from it. He gets him wrecked then goes home leaving him plastered whereever he is. Im sorry but what arsehole does that. Dont get me wrong he is an adult and its his own bloody fault but what kind of a friend does that? Anyway so drinking dosent help his moods but I guess I dont either. I get really clingy although he forgets he is as clingy with me he just likes being on his own too in his own world. So do I though, sometimes I need a bit of time out and feel the need to get a breather on my own. I dont have that time though. I have a baby to feed and a thousand questions to answer from the kids. I go to the toilet and have to take the baby with me or she cries because I have left her for a second and then the kids follow me too and the dogs. Its utter madness. Dont get me wrong, I love being a mum. I am the luckiest woman in the world when it comes to my kids and my family. They are amazing. I just need to be better to be the best mum they deserve

So it looks like we are leaving.

Sometimes I dont know if its my irrational reation to things or if it really is that bad. The funniset thing is my partner sat next to me the other night and said my ex husband was an idiot for letting me go. How strange? How on earth does that figure. My ex husband is an idiot for letting me go but even though I am supposedly the love of my partners life it makes perfect sense to go out of his way to push me away and he says im the one thats ill.

I dont know what to do anymore. The only thing I can think to do is to slowly pack the house up and move in with my mum. I dont know if that is the best thing or not. Me and my mum are quite close but also pretty volitile in hard situations. I dont know if I can move back into that house either. Too me it has the memorys of growing up with all the fighting and the tears all the time. Then their are the photos of my sister. I know this sounds odd but they make my sister feel ghost like to me. All those photos looking at me but not looking like my sister anymore. I have a photo in my house of my sister. It is kept in a box with all my other photos and she is just sat on the settee next to my step daughter, who was her best friend. Nobody else knows I have this photo. I cant tell them because I dont want it to be copied for all the family and then become like all the other photos. My sisters bedroom is also still the same and noone goes in it. I have been in it a few times. More so when she first died. Now it seems harder but I dont know if it is right or wrong that her room is like that. It feels like her room should be a happy peaceful place but how can it be when she died in there?

My partner is getting me down. I am going from angry with him that he is refusing to see where we are going and not stopping it and just so upset that I cant think straight. Then deep deep dpwn somewhere is the fighter I used to be saying it will be ok, you cant make a loving relationship on your own and it is time to move on and make the best of things. This however is few and far between and had I not wrote it down as I was feeling it, I probably would have missed it being there.

If anybody has any advice please give it me as my brain currently makes no sense to me whatsoever.

What do you do when you there is nothing else you can do?

How do you move on from a relationship that no matter how hard you try wont get better. When you stand in front of the only man you have ever loved and beg and plead him to please listen. Beg him to realise that it has to get better. Ask him to listen to why you are hurting. Tell him he really needs to listen or it has to be the end and he just ignores you. He stands there listening to you in tears and sees you shaking and refuses to look at you and refuses to speak to you. Or on the off chance that he does reply all you get is a "fuck off and leave me alone". You cant do anything from that. There is no love there. There is not even like but how do you move on? How do you move on when you have your whole life planned as a family together. When you have the children to consider and when you just presumed you would grow old together. How do you start again. How do you start again when its not your plan? When your plan is that you are all a family together and you are there for one another. That your dreams and aspirations involved us all being together, how do you start again?

I really dont know anymore and I am so fed up. I start to feel like things are going to be better and I can deal with things better and then something knocks me for six and I cant do it again. I really am starting to wonder whether I can love my partner anymore in what feels like an unriquited relationship. Its all one sided with me loving him and him feeling nothing but hatred for me. How did I fall into that trap? How did I end up in such a loveless relationship? Now how do I make it better. How do I make it better for the kids. Splitting up dosent just affect us it affects them. It will hurt them the most. We are the adults. They are little children suffering the consequences of our actions. How do I make it right?

I really cant cope anymore.

I really do give up. Its all too much. How am supposed to stop the sucicidal thoughts? How am I supposed to cope with the bad thoughts and the being to scared to go anywhere if there is no stability anywhere. The house isnt secure, the person that is supposed to love me dosent. Where do I go from here? When do I ever get the calm I so desperatly need? I really dont know how much longer I can go on lije this. I have noone to talk to. Nowhere to turn. How can I ever make things better? I really cant cope anymore.

Our relationship is on the rocks.

I dont even know how I feel about this anymore. We have been on and off so much I am starting to give in. My partner seems to think that its ok to give up on us our piss off for days on end leaving me not knowing where he is and not knowing what to say to the kids. How am I supposed to keep getting through that and how is that being in love? I know I love him. I never believed in love. I believed you can love your children and that is the most amazing feeling in the world and the love you have for your family. I never believed you could love a man like that. Any previous relationships would very shortly leaving despising them and very irritable. Dont get me wrong, my partner gets on my wick a lot but its different. However much he gets on my wick I know I still love him. The things that make him get on my wick irritate me but not to the point where I start to dislike him or not want to be with him. He has somoe pretty gross habits and I look at him and still think I love you so much. The sad thing is it looks like we are not going to work. I have fought and fought for us. I have backed down against things that go against who I am and now I think it has come to the point I cant fight anymore. I cant comprimise anymore. It needs to stop, it needs to be about us and our family protecting and loving each other. If it isnt then it is time to leave. I have no fight left in me me for a man that acts like I am nothing to him and if I disappeared tomorrow he probably wouldnt notice. Would anyone.

Nobody should die alone?

I have just read somebodies blog. Her dad had died and she was grateful she was there. She said nobobdy should die alone. My sister did. She died in her sleep, on her own in her bedroom. She was only 12. Was she scared? Did she know? Why should a little girl die like that on her own?

I was asked to do the Apha course. For those of you that dont know, the Alpha course is like an introduction to christianity. I am an atheist. Th problem is I am a nosy atheist and have to know why people think what they think and why. The course didnt fo much for me to be honest apart from make me angry. A world which tries to justify that children losing their lives or suffering abuse at the hands of people that should protect them. A world that lets babies starve and die in pain. The answers I have had is that it is because we as a whole are not living gods way and it is our fault. That in their next life in heaven they will never feel that pain again. What a shitty answer. How can you justify these small innocent babies and children ever suffering these things at the promise of peace in the afterlife. I bet they would gladly not have endured that and ceased to exist in another life. I for one would gladly give up an afterlife so a child never had to go through that.


Its a crazy system that says there is ever a reason for our innocent babies to suffer.

See what I mean about spelling?

Please bear with me and dont get stressed with me making so many mistakes. I know I am making things difficult to read with my mistakes, but when I write something I am usually mid rant and just type it all wound up then click send. I never really check it and I just write whats in my head to get it out. In the hope that once its all out, things will start making sense again. Ah well lets hope it works.

When did I stop having goals?

I dont really know what my goals are anymore. I dont know if I still have them or if I have just given up knowing that they wont happen. I know that sounds really defeatist but that is what I have become. I just dont know when. The thing is that deep down somewhere a bit lost and a bit forgotten, I truly believe you can acheive anything you want to. Money shouldnt stop you. A under priviliged childhood shouldnt stop you etc. If you want to acheive something, work your ass off and I bet you can do it. So why have I stop trying. I wanted to sort out my allotment. I havent done it. I wanted to make this into a beautiful house for me and the kids. I havent done that. Ok so we have only been in here a month but I have now given up wanting too. We have had problems with the landlord, so know I have given up wanting to be here and wanting to do anything with it. It was my dream to have a house with a garden and now I have it, its all wrong. I feel silly. I feel I should just make the most of having what I most wanted for the dogs and kids but I cant snap out of it. It dosent help that the little beggers keep getting through the fence so im in a constant battle. Im on edge every second letting them out then having to keep watch, then because I am watching the dogs for escaping the kids are drawring a piccasso on my walls or something equally as bewildering. I just think goodness me will you all just stand still for a second. So what on earth are my dreams and goals and how do I get back to aining for them again. I start loads of things with the best intentions and get nowhere. It is so fustrating.

and another thing while I am ranting.

Me and my partner are also currently not talking. we were talking about some things that had upset me last night, things between us that I couldnt get past. they upset me a lot and I dont know how to deal woth them. so basically he is sleeping on the settee and we are not talking. how much more of that I can cope with i dont know. I dont think I can do it for much longer. Maybe we dont have whatever it was, I thought we had.

today i am extremly pissed off.

Ok we have this ongoing problem. Nits. My step son started talking about nits one day. So we phoned his mum and said why is he going on about nits. She says oh he is just being a drama queen. Ok so we check his head and it is swarming with them. Lovely. Sent her a message saying his head is full of nits, why didnt you just tell us so we could get some stuff on he way back. She pulls on the usual big emotional act of please leave me alone I will sterilise the house. Well we dont give a toss if you strerilse the house just treat his nits. So this is where it starts. he was at our house all weekend without us knowing he has nits. Before you know it they all have them. Still not a problem, all kids get nits just get it treated and then its sorted. Oh no its not that simple. so the scenario goes, we treat the kids, he goes home comes back with them again. We tell her she has to treat him too to stop any eggs that hatch. "stop having a go at me blah blah blah" quite frankly missy if I had had a go at you, I assure you, you would know about it. Dear me. how can you not take responsibilty and sort the problem out. I have know spent over £100 in a vain attempt to get rid of the dam things. My daughter having long hair is the one that is suffering most. she seems so sensitve to them. I have lost my rag completley. We have had to cancel seeing friends today because of it. I wanted to take my daughter to the hairdressers for a treat a few months back but couldnt as yet again they had come back. Ironically she keeps almost gloating that she dosent have them. Well dear if you dont go near your child you wont get them. It is certainly nothing to be proud off. Ok so today I am quite clearly well piddled off. I think I need to fetch my punch bag down.

Today yet again I am tired.

Today as always I am tired. We have been out today though. We have all been to the carboot with my mum and brother. I feel tired all the time though. I feel so tired I dont have the energy to think. I feel thick as weird as that sounds. Unable to concentrate unable to do normal daily tasks. I walk into a shop and have no idea what I am doing there ( and that I need to get out quick). I feel like I am in a constant foggy haze. I read things I have wrote and think I must have been drunk to have wrote it that bad. Unfortunatly not it is just me being unable to write, spell, think. Its madness. Dont get me wrong I am far from intelligent but I have become a blob of jelly with the brains to match. I was studying A level law from home but couldnt concentrate. There is that much crap in my head I just cant fit anymore. All the bad stuff whirls around leaving no room for anything else. I never seem to have the ability to complete anything or do anything ongoing I just cant do it no matter what my intentions are. It pisses me off. I have so many things I want to acheive for me and the kids (a nice tidy cosy house would be a good start) but I just cant manage it. I succeced at nothing. How can you turn things around when everything you try to make better you fail at?

The anger

In the first post I said I should have stopped my dad doing what he did. Well one of the things that constantly runs through my head is the instances of anger that happened. My dad drinking in the day was usually why it went into one of those days. Well when I got older I did get in the middle quite a few times. Now in my head this made sense but it probably is a bit weird. The thing about my dad and his tantrums was they were text book. You knew exactly how to wind him up to make him do what you wanted. I knew what would wind him up and how he would react. I threatened him many times but he thought that was funny. I guess you will try anything in vain to protect your family. I told him if he ever touched my younger brothers and sister I would kill him. He did, I didnt kill him so I didnt protect them. I did hit him though. One incident has always stuck in my head. The thing is I struggle with this. What he did was disghusting and I lashed out but what kind of person am I that can lash out like that. He spat at my mum who was covering me and called her a whore. I stood up punched him straight in the face knocking him straight in to my tall mirror. Do I regret it? No I dont think so. I think I regret not hitting him harder so he learnt you cant always bully people. The other half of me is disgusted that I was capable of such violence and to my own dad. It hasnt stopped there either. I have lashed out in the same way since at any man that shows anything remotely similar to the way my dad behaved. The weird thing is I cant abide violence. It makes me feel physically sick to see the same sort of violence anywhere else. What kind of women can hit their own dad? On the other hand the man threatend to throw a brick at my while a was 7 months pregnant. What kind of a man does that?

what have I become?

So because of all this and the stuff I cant write I have become a pain in the arse. My partner has to make tea more and more nights because I get shitter and shitter at doing anything. I go out less and less days when before I would have been fighting my ass off to keep doing what my kids needed me to do. I would be stressing out in my head but I would take them to the park, libary out for some dinner or to see friends. Now I have to rely on my partner or my mum to do it. What the chuff is all that about? My mum could barely go out of the house before herself. I had to gradually take her out more often and for longer and futher. She had sinked so she couldnt do anything anymore excpet sob at my sisters grave. Now she is the one that has to deal with her daughter being a waste of space. I should be looking after her still not leaning on her to help me with the children I chose to have. Its all wrong and its all crap.

Hopefully the start of organising the chaos.

Well lets see how this goes. This is probably my last straw before I give up. I have done angry, I have done tears. I have done smashing things on myself in the hope it will take all the other pain away. Now I have hit limbo. It is hard to explain how I am feeling other then nothing. What can I feel? I have many things that are making me sad, some rational some not. I just dont know how I feel anymore or how to cope. Ok from the beginging there is my mum and dad. My dad had affairs and was a bully. My mum couldnt cope and slowly broke down. My dad hit me and my brothers, mainly my brothers. I feel guilty about this. I should have stopped it. I should have stopped him hitting my mum too. He never hit my sister though. I dont know why. I guess my only answer is he wanted to get it right that time. The hardest thing is, he is my dad so I think I still love him. Dont get me wrong if I saw him I really dont think I could hold back my anger but I guess I just want him to have always been the dad he should have. For him hurting my brothers though I will never forgive him or myself. Then there is what he did too my mum. I guess they both have there own part to play in why they didnt work but a man that constantly sleeps with other women whilst having four children with his wife and then beating and belittling her should hang his head low. I do however blame my grandmother for some of how he is. As a mother you teach your children to be respectful and polite and loyal. My grandmother on the other hand seemed to treat my dad and her other children to take what you want and hurt who you want to get it. Ok so growing up things were hard but I guess every family has its hard times. Then came another blow. One that would hit us hard and make us all poorly. My little brother was diagnosed with leukimia. He was just 5 at the time. How can a world exist that makes a tiny little boy go through that? I dont really know how he feels about any of it. He is all grown up now and at university. He never talks about it infact the only time he has ever mentioned it to me was when I had just had my little girl. He asked me If she would get cancer because he had. My poor little brother. I wish I could take it all away from him. From then my mum got poorly as did my dad. They thought they would lose their little boy. So did I and probably so did my other brother. My sister was only about 2 at the time. I got bullied at school for it. Told I was lying although I only told one person with a big trap. I was also told that we were being taken to florida because he would die. The lovely kids things say. So from there things were pretty hard but he got better and has grown up despite the harshest life an amazing brother. Then another massive blow in our family. My little sister, the baby of the family. The person that we most admired for having the warmest heart died. She went to sleep after being to the circus with us for my daughters birthday and never woke up. She was 12 and it was the week before her 13th birthday. My brothers found her and tried in vain to resucitate her. She had died for no other reason then she just stopped. I was 8 months pregnant with my son. My brothers will always have that image in their heads. I hope they dont but undoubtedly they will. It is the saddest thing of all that they had the most amazing sister in the world and they can only remember her in the saddest way. My two wonderful brothers have had their heartand soul wiped from under their feet. They are half the people they were. They have none of the zest that made them, well that just made them them. During this time I was with my husband. The only thing I dont regret about this relationship is my son. I dont want to go into it all as I cant bear what happend but one of the worst things being punched in the stomach over and over again while I was pregnat with my son. Needles to say I hate myself for being in this relationship and feel I failed my children for being in it. I am now in a new relationship. I have another daughter who is 7 months old. My partner also has a little boy who is 3. I love my partner and our four children. The saddest thing is that in them I have everything I could possibly wish for but I cant be happy. Dont get me wrong. They get me happy. They are all amazing. My oldest daughter is a charactor to be reckoned with. I find it hardest that she has had to go through the harshest of times with me. For a little girl she has gone through me being a single mum, a dick head of a step dad and losing her aunty. My sister doted on my daughter. It is sad to think they never had longer togther and that she never saw my other children. She was so excited I was having my son but never got to see him. My son is so lovely too. He is definatly a mummys boy but is so loving and of course my little cutie. I never believed I would have a baby the way it should be, made from a loving relationship. My children make me so proud and I am indeed the luckiest mummy in the world but I live in constant fear that I will lose one of them or all of them. I am scared of everything. Scared of them going to the shops, going in the bath by themselves incase they drown. You name it and im crapping myself about it. How can you be a good mum when your an irrational nutter like that? The only thing important to me is being a good mum and Im fucking that up the most. Then there is my partners son. I find this hard as It is something I have no control over. He is only 3 years old screams at being taken home to his mum. Why on earth does a 3 year old have such an extreme reaction to going home to his mum? A mum is usually the centre of the world for a little boy. I just dont get it. OK so some things she has done are beyond acceptable and piss us off but they shouldnt stop him wanting to be with her. Kids of that age are fairly forgiving of you cocking it up. She tells him not to call his daddy daddy. Pretty screwed up if you ask me. She tells him he is not a baby and shouldnt have cuddles with her or his daddy again pretty screwed up. I dont know. Its all beyond what I can comprehend a mother can do. Anyway so all this stuff gets me down. I cant deal with a life that chucks this much stuff at such small innocent children. No matter how much you keep fighting some twat will be full of their own self impotance and try again to knock you down. Sorry for the potty mouth. Some of these things get me so angry. As my partner says I cant cope with having no control. I hate the fact I cannot stop the people that need me to protect them form hurting.