ups and downs

Well i havent posted for a few days, well probably a bit longer. I would like to say thats because I have been better but im afraid not. I have been out a lot more so in that respect I have but in myself I have been panicking a lot and me and my partner have not been getting on that well yet again. We go from one extreme to the other and I really dont understand it at times. When we are good we are amazing when we are not we are shocking. The thing is he is everything I could hope for. He is my best friend and the sexist man in the world. All the right boxes are ticked whatever they are in a relationship. The only thing standing between us is our feeling down. My partner is on antidepressants, he is extremely depressed and gets very low. He is very self destructive and this is a main effect of him having such low self confidence. The thing I find hard to deal with is the other side of him. The man I fell in love with is loving and protective and treated me like I was a fragile precious jewel. The poorly man is the opposite. He really is so horrible to me at times. Saying the cruelest things. I look at him and cant believe the man that loved me so much could be so hateful. It has got better since he went on the antidepressants although he struggles to see the difference but there are still many days when its still there. At times its like he despises me yet he fails to understand why I feel like that. I want that loving man back. I still get butterflies in my tummy when he gets back from work and even a trip to the shops is so much fun with him. But can you really carry on when the bad times are so hard to get through?