I have been teary every 10 minutes it feels like, but in general I have felt a bit calmer. Me and the kids have done a lot more of the things we would have normally done together. Glueing and sticking mainly. They could do that for hours. They made some parachutes, some snow pictures and having lots of fun. Today they have played outside in the snow. I also had time to think and realise a few things. I have been getting really upset that the kids are not getting as much of my time and we havent been doing the things we normally would have. I realised today though that during the time I was getting upset about I was pregnant with the baby, had the baby. Then just before christmas we find out we are moving house and we need to move out of the old house decorate the new house all just a few weeks before christmas. It was stressful to say the least. I have also realised that this is when the panicking started. In between stripping walls, painting and packing, we were trying to get the christmas shopping done in any gaps we could find. Because I was that stressed and the shops were that packed, I would start getting more and more wound up to the point Ijust had to get out. I walked out so many times with not a clue what I needed, what I had bought, who I had bought for etc etc. I went shopping the other day with my mum and the kids and felt the same wave of panic again. I couldnt tell my mum. I thought I would burst into tears and make it worse. I texted my partner telling him i needed him. I know he couldnt get to me but I just needed to tell him and him just be there even if it was just a reply to my message. He also phoned me to see if I was ok. I carried on but was glad to get home. When I got home though I dont know if I felt worse or better for getting out. I was really teary after but probably more from me winding myself up.
I finally admitted to one of my friends how bad I had got. I dont know if they realised I was getting like this or not but I feel lie I havent been the friend I should have been through all this and with me getting so down. I went through a phase of being very angry at people for the littlest things. I still find this now to be honest but know I realise that my thoughts were not always rational. I have extreme feelings for things I cant control. If somebody does something wrong I find it intolerable, when infact we are all human and all cock it up now and again and quite often for some of us. I sould learn to have more patience and tolerence. Its not that I think I am better and can do things better. Quite the opposite. I just get such strong feelings about things.
I also tidied up my living room. Now this may sound like nothing major and I may sound like a bit of a lazy get but I really find it difficult to do anything like that. I am just so tired permenatly that everything is a struggle. The stupid thing is there is so much I want to do and want to get done, I just never manage to do it. I was quite pleased I got it done. It was quite a pig pen what with four kids under 7 and a mummy and a daddy that seem to hoard crap. Now its all nice and cosy and my partner had put a projector screen up for when we all watch a film together.
I'm really pleased to hear a small hint of optimism in your post. Or at least that you've had a better day. I hope there are more to come!
ReplyDeleteYes thanks I had a few days of feeling a bit better and doing more stuff with the kids. I guess its easier to feel better when your up and easier to go down when your down. As daft as that sounds.
ReplyDeletecheers