I am feeling sick,

I am feeling tired again today. For the past week around the same time of day I feel really queasy. I think it is because I am so tired and because feeding the baby is probably taking all the nutriants from me. I cant remember if I felt this bad with the older two. I wanted to take the kids to my mums today and maybe the park. I really dont feel up to it though. I have got stomach pains, feeling sick and just so tired. I think I will try and have a shower in a bit and see if I feel better. I have to sort myself out. I used to be so independent and did everything on my own with the kids. Dont get me wrong I still had all the fears and didnt really like doing it on my own but once I did it I felt better. I once took the kids camping for a month on my own, too places we had never been to before. Now your lucky if I go to tescos. Dear me I feel so dizzy.

Fear

One of the hardest things about whatever is wrong with me is the fear. Everything scares me. I am constantly scared of something happening to me or my loved ones. I worry about everything and hoave images constantly in my head of bad things happening. I have the thoughts all day then dream bad things all night it has me exhuasted. I guess it always harder after having the kids but one of the hardest times I went through was after my sister died. She had to go to the coroners to find out why she had died. How I got through that time I will never know A little girl to look after and about to have my second anytime I felt like I was going out of my mind. I cant even begin to describe what I dreamt during that time. Mainly because to type it would fill me with horror. I hate living in fear. It restricts what I can do and restricts the kids. I try my best to ignore my thoughts and get on with it but sometimes the fear is to powerful. I will sometimes end up shaking or crying in fear of the things I have imagined. Its horrible being trapped in this circle of feeling down and scared. The worse thing is when someone tells you your fears are irrational. Well they are not. My fears came true. The bad things have happened and I cant bare to go through them again. So I spend everyday being scared of everything.

Dealing with bipolar.

Now I dont know which one of us suffers this or whether its both of us. The thing is we both react to each others mood. He feels like I dont love him and I feel like he dosent love me. I cant bear the insecurity of it all. He tells me he loves me all the time. He hugs me all the time but I think I feel stressed about it. Lately I have been feeling like he is only hugging me to lead to something else. I dont think I really believe that deep down. He has always cuddle me and things and often and I love it. I think i just want to be hugged not hugged for sex. I think i need more tenderness from him. Its hard though when both our moods are all over the place. It dosent help that he is drinking. He dosent drink a lot at home only in the evenings and not every night but I feel like it controls him and his moods. When he goes out his confidence is so low he has to be wrecked. We barely go out anyway anymore especially with the baby but when he does it worries me that he needs to get in such a state. One of his friends thinks it is funny to get him in those states. His other friends dont and tell him enough is enough. The friend that does though is a big influence on him. He is the one that would leave him in that state though. Everybody else wont leave him to get home in that state and tries to discourage him from it. He gets him wrecked then goes home leaving him plastered whereever he is. Im sorry but what arsehole does that. Dont get me wrong he is an adult and its his own bloody fault but what kind of a friend does that? Anyway so drinking dosent help his moods but I guess I dont either. I get really clingy although he forgets he is as clingy with me he just likes being on his own too in his own world. So do I though, sometimes I need a bit of time out and feel the need to get a breather on my own. I dont have that time though. I have a baby to feed and a thousand questions to answer from the kids. I go to the toilet and have to take the baby with me or she cries because I have left her for a second and then the kids follow me too and the dogs. Its utter madness. Dont get me wrong, I love being a mum. I am the luckiest woman in the world when it comes to my kids and my family. They are amazing. I just need to be better to be the best mum they deserve

So it looks like we are leaving.

Sometimes I dont know if its my irrational reation to things or if it really is that bad. The funniset thing is my partner sat next to me the other night and said my ex husband was an idiot for letting me go. How strange? How on earth does that figure. My ex husband is an idiot for letting me go but even though I am supposedly the love of my partners life it makes perfect sense to go out of his way to push me away and he says im the one thats ill.

I dont know what to do anymore. The only thing I can think to do is to slowly pack the house up and move in with my mum. I dont know if that is the best thing or not. Me and my mum are quite close but also pretty volitile in hard situations. I dont know if I can move back into that house either. Too me it has the memorys of growing up with all the fighting and the tears all the time. Then their are the photos of my sister. I know this sounds odd but they make my sister feel ghost like to me. All those photos looking at me but not looking like my sister anymore. I have a photo in my house of my sister. It is kept in a box with all my other photos and she is just sat on the settee next to my step daughter, who was her best friend. Nobody else knows I have this photo. I cant tell them because I dont want it to be copied for all the family and then become like all the other photos. My sisters bedroom is also still the same and noone goes in it. I have been in it a few times. More so when she first died. Now it seems harder but I dont know if it is right or wrong that her room is like that. It feels like her room should be a happy peaceful place but how can it be when she died in there?

My partner is getting me down. I am going from angry with him that he is refusing to see where we are going and not stopping it and just so upset that I cant think straight. Then deep deep dpwn somewhere is the fighter I used to be saying it will be ok, you cant make a loving relationship on your own and it is time to move on and make the best of things. This however is few and far between and had I not wrote it down as I was feeling it, I probably would have missed it being there.

If anybody has any advice please give it me as my brain currently makes no sense to me whatsoever.

What do you do when you there is nothing else you can do?

How do you move on from a relationship that no matter how hard you try wont get better. When you stand in front of the only man you have ever loved and beg and plead him to please listen. Beg him to realise that it has to get better. Ask him to listen to why you are hurting. Tell him he really needs to listen or it has to be the end and he just ignores you. He stands there listening to you in tears and sees you shaking and refuses to look at you and refuses to speak to you. Or on the off chance that he does reply all you get is a "fuck off and leave me alone". You cant do anything from that. There is no love there. There is not even like but how do you move on? How do you move on when you have your whole life planned as a family together. When you have the children to consider and when you just presumed you would grow old together. How do you start again. How do you start again when its not your plan? When your plan is that you are all a family together and you are there for one another. That your dreams and aspirations involved us all being together, how do you start again?

I really dont know anymore and I am so fed up. I start to feel like things are going to be better and I can deal with things better and then something knocks me for six and I cant do it again. I really am starting to wonder whether I can love my partner anymore in what feels like an unriquited relationship. Its all one sided with me loving him and him feeling nothing but hatred for me. How did I fall into that trap? How did I end up in such a loveless relationship? Now how do I make it better. How do I make it better for the kids. Splitting up dosent just affect us it affects them. It will hurt them the most. We are the adults. They are little children suffering the consequences of our actions. How do I make it right?

I really cant cope anymore.

I really do give up. Its all too much. How am supposed to stop the sucicidal thoughts? How am I supposed to cope with the bad thoughts and the being to scared to go anywhere if there is no stability anywhere. The house isnt secure, the person that is supposed to love me dosent. Where do I go from here? When do I ever get the calm I so desperatly need? I really dont know how much longer I can go on lije this. I have noone to talk to. Nowhere to turn. How can I ever make things better? I really cant cope anymore.

Our relationship is on the rocks.

I dont even know how I feel about this anymore. We have been on and off so much I am starting to give in. My partner seems to think that its ok to give up on us our piss off for days on end leaving me not knowing where he is and not knowing what to say to the kids. How am I supposed to keep getting through that and how is that being in love? I know I love him. I never believed in love. I believed you can love your children and that is the most amazing feeling in the world and the love you have for your family. I never believed you could love a man like that. Any previous relationships would very shortly leaving despising them and very irritable. Dont get me wrong, my partner gets on my wick a lot but its different. However much he gets on my wick I know I still love him. The things that make him get on my wick irritate me but not to the point where I start to dislike him or not want to be with him. He has somoe pretty gross habits and I look at him and still think I love you so much. The sad thing is it looks like we are not going to work. I have fought and fought for us. I have backed down against things that go against who I am and now I think it has come to the point I cant fight anymore. I cant comprimise anymore. It needs to stop, it needs to be about us and our family protecting and loving each other. If it isnt then it is time to leave. I have no fight left in me me for a man that acts like I am nothing to him and if I disappeared tomorrow he probably wouldnt notice. Would anyone.

Nobody should die alone?

I have just read somebodies blog. Her dad had died and she was grateful she was there. She said nobobdy should die alone. My sister did. She died in her sleep, on her own in her bedroom. She was only 12. Was she scared? Did she know? Why should a little girl die like that on her own?

I was asked to do the Apha course. For those of you that dont know, the Alpha course is like an introduction to christianity. I am an atheist. Th problem is I am a nosy atheist and have to know why people think what they think and why. The course didnt fo much for me to be honest apart from make me angry. A world which tries to justify that children losing their lives or suffering abuse at the hands of people that should protect them. A world that lets babies starve and die in pain. The answers I have had is that it is because we as a whole are not living gods way and it is our fault. That in their next life in heaven they will never feel that pain again. What a shitty answer. How can you justify these small innocent babies and children ever suffering these things at the promise of peace in the afterlife. I bet they would gladly not have endured that and ceased to exist in another life. I for one would gladly give up an afterlife so a child never had to go through that.


Its a crazy system that says there is ever a reason for our innocent babies to suffer.

See what I mean about spelling?

Please bear with me and dont get stressed with me making so many mistakes. I know I am making things difficult to read with my mistakes, but when I write something I am usually mid rant and just type it all wound up then click send. I never really check it and I just write whats in my head to get it out. In the hope that once its all out, things will start making sense again. Ah well lets hope it works.

When did I stop having goals?

I dont really know what my goals are anymore. I dont know if I still have them or if I have just given up knowing that they wont happen. I know that sounds really defeatist but that is what I have become. I just dont know when. The thing is that deep down somewhere a bit lost and a bit forgotten, I truly believe you can acheive anything you want to. Money shouldnt stop you. A under priviliged childhood shouldnt stop you etc. If you want to acheive something, work your ass off and I bet you can do it. So why have I stop trying. I wanted to sort out my allotment. I havent done it. I wanted to make this into a beautiful house for me and the kids. I havent done that. Ok so we have only been in here a month but I have now given up wanting too. We have had problems with the landlord, so know I have given up wanting to be here and wanting to do anything with it. It was my dream to have a house with a garden and now I have it, its all wrong. I feel silly. I feel I should just make the most of having what I most wanted for the dogs and kids but I cant snap out of it. It dosent help that the little beggers keep getting through the fence so im in a constant battle. Im on edge every second letting them out then having to keep watch, then because I am watching the dogs for escaping the kids are drawring a piccasso on my walls or something equally as bewildering. I just think goodness me will you all just stand still for a second. So what on earth are my dreams and goals and how do I get back to aining for them again. I start loads of things with the best intentions and get nowhere. It is so fustrating.

and another thing while I am ranting.

Me and my partner are also currently not talking. we were talking about some things that had upset me last night, things between us that I couldnt get past. they upset me a lot and I dont know how to deal woth them. so basically he is sleeping on the settee and we are not talking. how much more of that I can cope with i dont know. I dont think I can do it for much longer. Maybe we dont have whatever it was, I thought we had.

today i am extremly pissed off.

Ok we have this ongoing problem. Nits. My step son started talking about nits one day. So we phoned his mum and said why is he going on about nits. She says oh he is just being a drama queen. Ok so we check his head and it is swarming with them. Lovely. Sent her a message saying his head is full of nits, why didnt you just tell us so we could get some stuff on he way back. She pulls on the usual big emotional act of please leave me alone I will sterilise the house. Well we dont give a toss if you strerilse the house just treat his nits. So this is where it starts. he was at our house all weekend without us knowing he has nits. Before you know it they all have them. Still not a problem, all kids get nits just get it treated and then its sorted. Oh no its not that simple. so the scenario goes, we treat the kids, he goes home comes back with them again. We tell her she has to treat him too to stop any eggs that hatch. "stop having a go at me blah blah blah" quite frankly missy if I had had a go at you, I assure you, you would know about it. Dear me. how can you not take responsibilty and sort the problem out. I have know spent over £100 in a vain attempt to get rid of the dam things. My daughter having long hair is the one that is suffering most. she seems so sensitve to them. I have lost my rag completley. We have had to cancel seeing friends today because of it. I wanted to take my daughter to the hairdressers for a treat a few months back but couldnt as yet again they had come back. Ironically she keeps almost gloating that she dosent have them. Well dear if you dont go near your child you wont get them. It is certainly nothing to be proud off. Ok so today I am quite clearly well piddled off. I think I need to fetch my punch bag down.

Today yet again I am tired.

Today as always I am tired. We have been out today though. We have all been to the carboot with my mum and brother. I feel tired all the time though. I feel so tired I dont have the energy to think. I feel thick as weird as that sounds. Unable to concentrate unable to do normal daily tasks. I walk into a shop and have no idea what I am doing there ( and that I need to get out quick). I feel like I am in a constant foggy haze. I read things I have wrote and think I must have been drunk to have wrote it that bad. Unfortunatly not it is just me being unable to write, spell, think. Its madness. Dont get me wrong I am far from intelligent but I have become a blob of jelly with the brains to match. I was studying A level law from home but couldnt concentrate. There is that much crap in my head I just cant fit anymore. All the bad stuff whirls around leaving no room for anything else. I never seem to have the ability to complete anything or do anything ongoing I just cant do it no matter what my intentions are. It pisses me off. I have so many things I want to acheive for me and the kids (a nice tidy cosy house would be a good start) but I just cant manage it. I succeced at nothing. How can you turn things around when everything you try to make better you fail at?

The anger

In the first post I said I should have stopped my dad doing what he did. Well one of the things that constantly runs through my head is the instances of anger that happened. My dad drinking in the day was usually why it went into one of those days. Well when I got older I did get in the middle quite a few times. Now in my head this made sense but it probably is a bit weird. The thing about my dad and his tantrums was they were text book. You knew exactly how to wind him up to make him do what you wanted. I knew what would wind him up and how he would react. I threatened him many times but he thought that was funny. I guess you will try anything in vain to protect your family. I told him if he ever touched my younger brothers and sister I would kill him. He did, I didnt kill him so I didnt protect them. I did hit him though. One incident has always stuck in my head. The thing is I struggle with this. What he did was disghusting and I lashed out but what kind of person am I that can lash out like that. He spat at my mum who was covering me and called her a whore. I stood up punched him straight in the face knocking him straight in to my tall mirror. Do I regret it? No I dont think so. I think I regret not hitting him harder so he learnt you cant always bully people. The other half of me is disgusted that I was capable of such violence and to my own dad. It hasnt stopped there either. I have lashed out in the same way since at any man that shows anything remotely similar to the way my dad behaved. The weird thing is I cant abide violence. It makes me feel physically sick to see the same sort of violence anywhere else. What kind of women can hit their own dad? On the other hand the man threatend to throw a brick at my while a was 7 months pregnant. What kind of a man does that?

what have I become?

So because of all this and the stuff I cant write I have become a pain in the arse. My partner has to make tea more and more nights because I get shitter and shitter at doing anything. I go out less and less days when before I would have been fighting my ass off to keep doing what my kids needed me to do. I would be stressing out in my head but I would take them to the park, libary out for some dinner or to see friends. Now I have to rely on my partner or my mum to do it. What the chuff is all that about? My mum could barely go out of the house before herself. I had to gradually take her out more often and for longer and futher. She had sinked so she couldnt do anything anymore excpet sob at my sisters grave. Now she is the one that has to deal with her daughter being a waste of space. I should be looking after her still not leaning on her to help me with the children I chose to have. Its all wrong and its all crap.

Hopefully the start of organising the chaos.

Well lets see how this goes. This is probably my last straw before I give up. I have done angry, I have done tears. I have done smashing things on myself in the hope it will take all the other pain away. Now I have hit limbo. It is hard to explain how I am feeling other then nothing. What can I feel? I have many things that are making me sad, some rational some not. I just dont know how I feel anymore or how to cope. Ok from the beginging there is my mum and dad. My dad had affairs and was a bully. My mum couldnt cope and slowly broke down. My dad hit me and my brothers, mainly my brothers. I feel guilty about this. I should have stopped it. I should have stopped him hitting my mum too. He never hit my sister though. I dont know why. I guess my only answer is he wanted to get it right that time. The hardest thing is, he is my dad so I think I still love him. Dont get me wrong if I saw him I really dont think I could hold back my anger but I guess I just want him to have always been the dad he should have. For him hurting my brothers though I will never forgive him or myself. Then there is what he did too my mum. I guess they both have there own part to play in why they didnt work but a man that constantly sleeps with other women whilst having four children with his wife and then beating and belittling her should hang his head low. I do however blame my grandmother for some of how he is. As a mother you teach your children to be respectful and polite and loyal. My grandmother on the other hand seemed to treat my dad and her other children to take what you want and hurt who you want to get it. Ok so growing up things were hard but I guess every family has its hard times. Then came another blow. One that would hit us hard and make us all poorly. My little brother was diagnosed with leukimia. He was just 5 at the time. How can a world exist that makes a tiny little boy go through that? I dont really know how he feels about any of it. He is all grown up now and at university. He never talks about it infact the only time he has ever mentioned it to me was when I had just had my little girl. He asked me If she would get cancer because he had. My poor little brother. I wish I could take it all away from him. From then my mum got poorly as did my dad. They thought they would lose their little boy. So did I and probably so did my other brother. My sister was only about 2 at the time. I got bullied at school for it. Told I was lying although I only told one person with a big trap. I was also told that we were being taken to florida because he would die. The lovely kids things say. So from there things were pretty hard but he got better and has grown up despite the harshest life an amazing brother. Then another massive blow in our family. My little sister, the baby of the family. The person that we most admired for having the warmest heart died. She went to sleep after being to the circus with us for my daughters birthday and never woke up. She was 12 and it was the week before her 13th birthday. My brothers found her and tried in vain to resucitate her. She had died for no other reason then she just stopped. I was 8 months pregnant with my son. My brothers will always have that image in their heads. I hope they dont but undoubtedly they will. It is the saddest thing of all that they had the most amazing sister in the world and they can only remember her in the saddest way. My two wonderful brothers have had their heartand soul wiped from under their feet. They are half the people they were. They have none of the zest that made them, well that just made them them. During this time I was with my husband. The only thing I dont regret about this relationship is my son. I dont want to go into it all as I cant bear what happend but one of the worst things being punched in the stomach over and over again while I was pregnat with my son. Needles to say I hate myself for being in this relationship and feel I failed my children for being in it. I am now in a new relationship. I have another daughter who is 7 months old. My partner also has a little boy who is 3. I love my partner and our four children. The saddest thing is that in them I have everything I could possibly wish for but I cant be happy. Dont get me wrong. They get me happy. They are all amazing. My oldest daughter is a charactor to be reckoned with. I find it hardest that she has had to go through the harshest of times with me. For a little girl she has gone through me being a single mum, a dick head of a step dad and losing her aunty. My sister doted on my daughter. It is sad to think they never had longer togther and that she never saw my other children. She was so excited I was having my son but never got to see him. My son is so lovely too. He is definatly a mummys boy but is so loving and of course my little cutie. I never believed I would have a baby the way it should be, made from a loving relationship. My children make me so proud and I am indeed the luckiest mummy in the world but I live in constant fear that I will lose one of them or all of them. I am scared of everything. Scared of them going to the shops, going in the bath by themselves incase they drown. You name it and im crapping myself about it. How can you be a good mum when your an irrational nutter like that? The only thing important to me is being a good mum and Im fucking that up the most. Then there is my partners son. I find this hard as It is something I have no control over. He is only 3 years old screams at being taken home to his mum. Why on earth does a 3 year old have such an extreme reaction to going home to his mum? A mum is usually the centre of the world for a little boy. I just dont get it. OK so some things she has done are beyond acceptable and piss us off but they shouldnt stop him wanting to be with her. Kids of that age are fairly forgiving of you cocking it up. She tells him not to call his daddy daddy. Pretty screwed up if you ask me. She tells him he is not a baby and shouldnt have cuddles with her or his daddy again pretty screwed up. I dont know. Its all beyond what I can comprehend a mother can do. Anyway so all this stuff gets me down. I cant deal with a life that chucks this much stuff at such small innocent children. No matter how much you keep fighting some twat will be full of their own self impotance and try again to knock you down. Sorry for the potty mouth. Some of these things get me so angry. As my partner says I cant cope with having no control. I hate the fact I cannot stop the people that need me to protect them form hurting.