The anger

In the first post I said I should have stopped my dad doing what he did. Well one of the things that constantly runs through my head is the instances of anger that happened. My dad drinking in the day was usually why it went into one of those days. Well when I got older I did get in the middle quite a few times. Now in my head this made sense but it probably is a bit weird. The thing about my dad and his tantrums was they were text book. You knew exactly how to wind him up to make him do what you wanted. I knew what would wind him up and how he would react. I threatened him many times but he thought that was funny. I guess you will try anything in vain to protect your family. I told him if he ever touched my younger brothers and sister I would kill him. He did, I didnt kill him so I didnt protect them. I did hit him though. One incident has always stuck in my head. The thing is I struggle with this. What he did was disghusting and I lashed out but what kind of person am I that can lash out like that. He spat at my mum who was covering me and called her a whore. I stood up punched him straight in the face knocking him straight in to my tall mirror. Do I regret it? No I dont think so. I think I regret not hitting him harder so he learnt you cant always bully people. The other half of me is disgusted that I was capable of such violence and to my own dad. It hasnt stopped there either. I have lashed out in the same way since at any man that shows anything remotely similar to the way my dad behaved. The weird thing is I cant abide violence. It makes me feel physically sick to see the same sort of violence anywhere else. What kind of women can hit their own dad? On the other hand the man threatend to throw a brick at my while a was 7 months pregnant. What kind of a man does that?