Hopefully the start of organising the chaos.

Well lets see how this goes. This is probably my last straw before I give up. I have done angry, I have done tears. I have done smashing things on myself in the hope it will take all the other pain away. Now I have hit limbo. It is hard to explain how I am feeling other then nothing. What can I feel? I have many things that are making me sad, some rational some not. I just dont know how I feel anymore or how to cope. Ok from the beginging there is my mum and dad. My dad had affairs and was a bully. My mum couldnt cope and slowly broke down. My dad hit me and my brothers, mainly my brothers. I feel guilty about this. I should have stopped it. I should have stopped him hitting my mum too. He never hit my sister though. I dont know why. I guess my only answer is he wanted to get it right that time. The hardest thing is, he is my dad so I think I still love him. Dont get me wrong if I saw him I really dont think I could hold back my anger but I guess I just want him to have always been the dad he should have. For him hurting my brothers though I will never forgive him or myself. Then there is what he did too my mum. I guess they both have there own part to play in why they didnt work but a man that constantly sleeps with other women whilst having four children with his wife and then beating and belittling her should hang his head low. I do however blame my grandmother for some of how he is. As a mother you teach your children to be respectful and polite and loyal. My grandmother on the other hand seemed to treat my dad and her other children to take what you want and hurt who you want to get it. Ok so growing up things were hard but I guess every family has its hard times. Then came another blow. One that would hit us hard and make us all poorly. My little brother was diagnosed with leukimia. He was just 5 at the time. How can a world exist that makes a tiny little boy go through that? I dont really know how he feels about any of it. He is all grown up now and at university. He never talks about it infact the only time he has ever mentioned it to me was when I had just had my little girl. He asked me If she would get cancer because he had. My poor little brother. I wish I could take it all away from him. From then my mum got poorly as did my dad. They thought they would lose their little boy. So did I and probably so did my other brother. My sister was only about 2 at the time. I got bullied at school for it. Told I was lying although I only told one person with a big trap. I was also told that we were being taken to florida because he would die. The lovely kids things say. So from there things were pretty hard but he got better and has grown up despite the harshest life an amazing brother. Then another massive blow in our family. My little sister, the baby of the family. The person that we most admired for having the warmest heart died. She went to sleep after being to the circus with us for my daughters birthday and never woke up. She was 12 and it was the week before her 13th birthday. My brothers found her and tried in vain to resucitate her. She had died for no other reason then she just stopped. I was 8 months pregnant with my son. My brothers will always have that image in their heads. I hope they dont but undoubtedly they will. It is the saddest thing of all that they had the most amazing sister in the world and they can only remember her in the saddest way. My two wonderful brothers have had their heartand soul wiped from under their feet. They are half the people they were. They have none of the zest that made them, well that just made them them. During this time I was with my husband. The only thing I dont regret about this relationship is my son. I dont want to go into it all as I cant bear what happend but one of the worst things being punched in the stomach over and over again while I was pregnat with my son. Needles to say I hate myself for being in this relationship and feel I failed my children for being in it. I am now in a new relationship. I have another daughter who is 7 months old. My partner also has a little boy who is 3. I love my partner and our four children. The saddest thing is that in them I have everything I could possibly wish for but I cant be happy. Dont get me wrong. They get me happy. They are all amazing. My oldest daughter is a charactor to be reckoned with. I find it hardest that she has had to go through the harshest of times with me. For a little girl she has gone through me being a single mum, a dick head of a step dad and losing her aunty. My sister doted on my daughter. It is sad to think they never had longer togther and that she never saw my other children. She was so excited I was having my son but never got to see him. My son is so lovely too. He is definatly a mummys boy but is so loving and of course my little cutie. I never believed I would have a baby the way it should be, made from a loving relationship. My children make me so proud and I am indeed the luckiest mummy in the world but I live in constant fear that I will lose one of them or all of them. I am scared of everything. Scared of them going to the shops, going in the bath by themselves incase they drown. You name it and im crapping myself about it. How can you be a good mum when your an irrational nutter like that? The only thing important to me is being a good mum and Im fucking that up the most. Then there is my partners son. I find this hard as It is something I have no control over. He is only 3 years old screams at being taken home to his mum. Why on earth does a 3 year old have such an extreme reaction to going home to his mum? A mum is usually the centre of the world for a little boy. I just dont get it. OK so some things she has done are beyond acceptable and piss us off but they shouldnt stop him wanting to be with her. Kids of that age are fairly forgiving of you cocking it up. She tells him not to call his daddy daddy. Pretty screwed up if you ask me. She tells him he is not a baby and shouldnt have cuddles with her or his daddy again pretty screwed up. I dont know. Its all beyond what I can comprehend a mother can do. Anyway so all this stuff gets me down. I cant deal with a life that chucks this much stuff at such small innocent children. No matter how much you keep fighting some twat will be full of their own self impotance and try again to knock you down. Sorry for the potty mouth. Some of these things get me so angry. As my partner says I cant cope with having no control. I hate the fact I cannot stop the people that need me to protect them form hurting.