Love wont make it stop.

A lot of our troubles I think come from my partners drinking. I hate to say it but it makes him a twat. Sorry folks. The thing is he dosent drink in the day at all. He waits till the kids are in bed and gets himself a beer and this is where the trouble begins. He cant just have one or two he keeps going until there is nothing left. If I have bought myself a bottle of wine or even if someone else has bought me one, he will drink that. I rarely do have any but if I do it will be there all week unless he decides it his. Then most recently I have found hidden bottles. When we moved out of te old house I found an empty bottle of vodka. Then last month I found one behined the cooker. Last night he bought 3 bottles of beer. I thought fair enough thats not much probably less then most average blokes drink in a night. I feel asleep on the settee and he came back into the room pissed as a far. Me a bit confused asked him ow on earth he had got so drunk with nothing in the house? Apparently he has an emergency hip flask. To say I could have kicked his ass is an understatement. I said nothing and went to bed. He slept on the settee. I said nothing about it when I gave him his breakfast or when he went to work. Usually I would go mad. It doesnt help, it dosent stop him drinking and it dosent help my bad temper. So I have booked him an appointment at the doctors. He is going. My dad was an alcholic bully am I heading down the same path again? 

I really am so fed up and still havent stopped shaking. I even went to clean out the car to distract me from it. 

Today I am a mess

Ok today after a few crappy days and trying to be ok I am a mess. I am having one panic attack after another and im shaking like mad. First we had valentines day that was a complete pile of crap. I had a lovely day with the kids but according to my partner what is the point in making any effort. What makes it worse is the night before he went out with his friends and got hammered. He came back drunk telling me how he was going to propose and how much he loved me. The next morning he left me too get up with the kids while he carried on snoozing. Asked him to have breakast with us, still snoozing. I took him a coffee and he fell asleep drinking it. He finally got up and was annoyed with me because he overslept. Yes cheers. Anyway so we sorted things out and he said he wants us to get married. We told our families and my brother is not pleased at all. Infact im starting to wonder if anyone is. I understand why my brother is not that happy. In recent months my brother has seen me slipping from a strong independant woman to an emotional mess. This isnt just to do with my relationship though although a fairly dominant part but it is a lot to do with past issues that I have never dealt with. 

I dont know. I do feel upset about my brother though. It has hurt because I dont always agree with his decisions about his love life but have always said I will support his choices. I would never want to push him away and would always want him to feel if the shit hit the fan I am here. So yes I am feeling a bit hurt. 

Another thing that happened yesterday and is probably the biggest reason for the panic attacks today. I had been trying for ages to get the baby to sleep. I was shattered te baby was shattered and getting restless. I had just got her to sleep when there was the loudest knocking on the door. Even te dogs didnt take kindly to the banging, so it set them off thinking something was wrong and barking like mad. Now bear in mind this was only around 2 o clock in the afternoon. I opened the door to a bloke swaying stinking of booze, can of cider in his hand and cider dribbling out of his mouth and all down his front. Another mate of the landlords asking if he is in and as he wasnt could I send him his love. Needless to say I was quite shock up and extremly pissed off. We already had some friends of his knocking on the door that were known smack heads. I have young children I really dont want these people at my door especially when my partner is at work. So now everytime someone goes passed I am shaking again. Great stuff. 

ups and downs

Well i havent posted for a few days, well probably a bit longer. I would like to say thats because I have been better but im afraid not. I have been out a lot more so in that respect I have but in myself I have been panicking a lot and me and my partner have not been getting on that well yet again. We go from one extreme to the other and I really dont understand it at times. When we are good we are amazing when we are not we are shocking. The thing is he is everything I could hope for. He is my best friend and the sexist man in the world. All the right boxes are ticked whatever they are in a relationship. The only thing standing between us is our feeling down. My partner is on antidepressants, he is extremely depressed and gets very low. He is very self destructive and this is a main effect of him having such low self confidence. The thing I find hard to deal with is the other side of him. The man I fell in love with is loving and protective and treated me like I was a fragile precious jewel. The poorly man is the opposite. He really is so horrible to me at times. Saying the cruelest things. I look at him and cant believe the man that loved me so much could be so hateful. It has got better since he went on the antidepressants although he struggles to see the difference but there are still many days when its still there. At times its like he despises me yet he fails to understand why I feel like that. I want that loving man back. I still get butterflies in my tummy when he gets back from work and even a trip to the shops is so much fun with him. But can you really carry on when the bad times are so hard to get through? 

Im chuffing raging again and to angry to put anything else without swearing lol

Looking for a job.

Im in a bit of a quandry with myself at the moment. Now it is very important to me that I am a stay at home mum. I want to be here for the kids but I also want them to see us achieving things. I dont want to be working all day and barely seeing them. That isnt why I had kids. I had them to watch them grow and enjoy them and enjoy being a mum. I know it means we have less money but I would rather buy netto beans and get to be with them then shop at waitrose and miss all the important things to me. Im not having a go at anyone else though. This is what is important to me and my family. Every family does what is best for them. Anyway so I want to raise a deposit to buy a house. We are paying a fair amount more in rent that we can afford and a mortgage would be cheaper. Plus the extra cash after we have saved for a deposit would always come in handy for treats and things. So I am trying to find ways to work from home. We have also talked about my partner working part time so he can be with his son when he is here. So now I just need to think of lots of ways I can work from home and apply for any (if there are any) jobs where companies want home workers. Feel free to give me ideas. 

one of those ideas days

one of the upsides of my moods is the crazy ideas i get. Ideas to do with the kids and things I want to do. The only thing is I find it hard to keep going with these  things once I get down. 

here is my list of things

1. Set up a beravement charity that supports people through what we went through. There are charitys for individual illnesses etc and charitys for beravement in general. There are none I have found however that support the familys remaning. I mean ongoing support and helping them stay together. So many families split up through bereavement. Usually through struggling through the normal things in life added to their grief. 

2. finish my A level Law

3. set up a website based on large family life and activities etc. Lots of ideas but getting them together and up and running is a whole different thing. Hopefully bringing in a little bit of money to save for a deposit on a house. 

er now the baby is crying and I have forgotten everything. 

Ill come back when my brain is back in gear lol. 

Things have been a bit better, I think........

I have been teary every 10 minutes it feels like, but in general I have felt a bit calmer. Me and the kids have done a lot more of the things we would have normally done together. Glueing and sticking mainly. They could do that for hours. They made some parachutes, some snow pictures and having lots of fun. Today they have played outside in the snow. I also had time to think and realise a few things. I have been getting really upset that the kids are not getting as much of my time and we havent been doing the things we normally would have. I realised today though that during the time I was getting upset about I was pregnant with the baby, had the baby. Then just before christmas we find out we are moving house and we need to move out of the old house decorate the new house all just a few weeks before christmas. It was stressful to say the least. I have also realised that this is when the panicking started. In between stripping walls, painting and packing, we were trying to get the christmas shopping done in any gaps we could find. Because I was that stressed and the shops were that packed, I would start getting more and more wound up to the point Ijust had to get out. I walked out so many times with not a clue what I needed, what I had bought, who I had bought for etc etc. I went shopping the other day with my mum and the kids and felt the same wave of panic again. I couldnt tell my mum. I thought I would burst into tears and make it worse. I texted my partner telling him i needed him. I know he couldnt get to me but I just needed to tell him and him just be there even if it was just a reply to my message.  He also phoned me to see if I was ok. I carried on but was glad to get home. When I got home though I dont know if I felt worse or better for getting out. I was really teary after but probably more from me winding myself up. 

I finally admitted to one of my friends how bad I had got. I dont know if they realised I was getting like this or not but I feel lie I havent been the friend I should have been through all this and with me getting so down. I went through a phase of being very angry at people for the littlest things. I still find this now to be honest but know I realise that my thoughts were not always rational. I have extreme feelings for things I cant control. If somebody does something wrong I find it intolerable, when infact we are all human and all cock it up now and again and quite often for some of us. I sould learn to have more patience and tolerence. Its not that I think I am better and can do things better. Quite the opposite.  I just get such strong feelings about things.   

I also tidied up my living room. Now this may sound like nothing major and I may sound like a bit of a lazy get but I really find it difficult to do anything like that. I am just so tired permenatly that everything is a struggle. The stupid thing is there is so much I want to do and want to get done, I just never manage to do it.  I was quite pleased I got it done. It was quite a pig pen what with four kids under 7 and a mummy and a daddy that seem to hoard crap. Now its all nice and cosy and my partner had put a projector screen up for when we all watch a film together.