Fear

One of the hardest things about whatever is wrong with me is the fear. Everything scares me. I am constantly scared of something happening to me or my loved ones. I worry about everything and hoave images constantly in my head of bad things happening. I have the thoughts all day then dream bad things all night it has me exhuasted. I guess it always harder after having the kids but one of the hardest times I went through was after my sister died. She had to go to the coroners to find out why she had died. How I got through that time I will never know A little girl to look after and about to have my second anytime I felt like I was going out of my mind. I cant even begin to describe what I dreamt during that time. Mainly because to type it would fill me with horror. I hate living in fear. It restricts what I can do and restricts the kids. I try my best to ignore my thoughts and get on with it but sometimes the fear is to powerful. I will sometimes end up shaking or crying in fear of the things I have imagined. Its horrible being trapped in this circle of feeling down and scared. The worse thing is when someone tells you your fears are irrational. Well they are not. My fears came true. The bad things have happened and I cant bare to go through them again. So I spend everyday being scared of everything.