I am feeling sick,

I am feeling tired again today. For the past week around the same time of day I feel really queasy. I think it is because I am so tired and because feeding the baby is probably taking all the nutriants from me. I cant remember if I felt this bad with the older two. I wanted to take the kids to my mums today and maybe the park. I really dont feel up to it though. I have got stomach pains, feeling sick and just so tired. I think I will try and have a shower in a bit and see if I feel better. I have to sort myself out. I used to be so independent and did everything on my own with the kids. Dont get me wrong I still had all the fears and didnt really like doing it on my own but once I did it I felt better. I once took the kids camping for a month on my own, too places we had never been to before. Now your lucky if I go to tescos. Dear me I feel so dizzy.

Fear

One of the hardest things about whatever is wrong with me is the fear. Everything scares me. I am constantly scared of something happening to me or my loved ones. I worry about everything and hoave images constantly in my head of bad things happening. I have the thoughts all day then dream bad things all night it has me exhuasted. I guess it always harder after having the kids but one of the hardest times I went through was after my sister died. She had to go to the coroners to find out why she had died. How I got through that time I will never know A little girl to look after and about to have my second anytime I felt like I was going out of my mind. I cant even begin to describe what I dreamt during that time. Mainly because to type it would fill me with horror. I hate living in fear. It restricts what I can do and restricts the kids. I try my best to ignore my thoughts and get on with it but sometimes the fear is to powerful. I will sometimes end up shaking or crying in fear of the things I have imagined. Its horrible being trapped in this circle of feeling down and scared. The worse thing is when someone tells you your fears are irrational. Well they are not. My fears came true. The bad things have happened and I cant bare to go through them again. So I spend everyday being scared of everything.

Dealing with bipolar.

Now I dont know which one of us suffers this or whether its both of us. The thing is we both react to each others mood. He feels like I dont love him and I feel like he dosent love me. I cant bear the insecurity of it all. He tells me he loves me all the time. He hugs me all the time but I think I feel stressed about it. Lately I have been feeling like he is only hugging me to lead to something else. I dont think I really believe that deep down. He has always cuddle me and things and often and I love it. I think i just want to be hugged not hugged for sex. I think i need more tenderness from him. Its hard though when both our moods are all over the place. It dosent help that he is drinking. He dosent drink a lot at home only in the evenings and not every night but I feel like it controls him and his moods. When he goes out his confidence is so low he has to be wrecked. We barely go out anyway anymore especially with the baby but when he does it worries me that he needs to get in such a state. One of his friends thinks it is funny to get him in those states. His other friends dont and tell him enough is enough. The friend that does though is a big influence on him. He is the one that would leave him in that state though. Everybody else wont leave him to get home in that state and tries to discourage him from it. He gets him wrecked then goes home leaving him plastered whereever he is. Im sorry but what arsehole does that. Dont get me wrong he is an adult and its his own bloody fault but what kind of a friend does that? Anyway so drinking dosent help his moods but I guess I dont either. I get really clingy although he forgets he is as clingy with me he just likes being on his own too in his own world. So do I though, sometimes I need a bit of time out and feel the need to get a breather on my own. I dont have that time though. I have a baby to feed and a thousand questions to answer from the kids. I go to the toilet and have to take the baby with me or she cries because I have left her for a second and then the kids follow me too and the dogs. Its utter madness. Dont get me wrong, I love being a mum. I am the luckiest woman in the world when it comes to my kids and my family. They are amazing. I just need to be better to be the best mum they deserve

So it looks like we are leaving.

Sometimes I dont know if its my irrational reation to things or if it really is that bad. The funniset thing is my partner sat next to me the other night and said my ex husband was an idiot for letting me go. How strange? How on earth does that figure. My ex husband is an idiot for letting me go but even though I am supposedly the love of my partners life it makes perfect sense to go out of his way to push me away and he says im the one thats ill.

I dont know what to do anymore. The only thing I can think to do is to slowly pack the house up and move in with my mum. I dont know if that is the best thing or not. Me and my mum are quite close but also pretty volitile in hard situations. I dont know if I can move back into that house either. Too me it has the memorys of growing up with all the fighting and the tears all the time. Then their are the photos of my sister. I know this sounds odd but they make my sister feel ghost like to me. All those photos looking at me but not looking like my sister anymore. I have a photo in my house of my sister. It is kept in a box with all my other photos and she is just sat on the settee next to my step daughter, who was her best friend. Nobody else knows I have this photo. I cant tell them because I dont want it to be copied for all the family and then become like all the other photos. My sisters bedroom is also still the same and noone goes in it. I have been in it a few times. More so when she first died. Now it seems harder but I dont know if it is right or wrong that her room is like that. It feels like her room should be a happy peaceful place but how can it be when she died in there?

My partner is getting me down. I am going from angry with him that he is refusing to see where we are going and not stopping it and just so upset that I cant think straight. Then deep deep dpwn somewhere is the fighter I used to be saying it will be ok, you cant make a loving relationship on your own and it is time to move on and make the best of things. This however is few and far between and had I not wrote it down as I was feeling it, I probably would have missed it being there.

If anybody has any advice please give it me as my brain currently makes no sense to me whatsoever.

What do you do when you there is nothing else you can do?

How do you move on from a relationship that no matter how hard you try wont get better. When you stand in front of the only man you have ever loved and beg and plead him to please listen. Beg him to realise that it has to get better. Ask him to listen to why you are hurting. Tell him he really needs to listen or it has to be the end and he just ignores you. He stands there listening to you in tears and sees you shaking and refuses to look at you and refuses to speak to you. Or on the off chance that he does reply all you get is a "fuck off and leave me alone". You cant do anything from that. There is no love there. There is not even like but how do you move on? How do you move on when you have your whole life planned as a family together. When you have the children to consider and when you just presumed you would grow old together. How do you start again. How do you start again when its not your plan? When your plan is that you are all a family together and you are there for one another. That your dreams and aspirations involved us all being together, how do you start again?

I really dont know anymore and I am so fed up. I start to feel like things are going to be better and I can deal with things better and then something knocks me for six and I cant do it again. I really am starting to wonder whether I can love my partner anymore in what feels like an unriquited relationship. Its all one sided with me loving him and him feeling nothing but hatred for me. How did I fall into that trap? How did I end up in such a loveless relationship? Now how do I make it better. How do I make it better for the kids. Splitting up dosent just affect us it affects them. It will hurt them the most. We are the adults. They are little children suffering the consequences of our actions. How do I make it right?

I really cant cope anymore.

I really do give up. Its all too much. How am supposed to stop the sucicidal thoughts? How am I supposed to cope with the bad thoughts and the being to scared to go anywhere if there is no stability anywhere. The house isnt secure, the person that is supposed to love me dosent. Where do I go from here? When do I ever get the calm I so desperatly need? I really dont know how much longer I can go on lije this. I have noone to talk to. Nowhere to turn. How can I ever make things better? I really cant cope anymore.

Our relationship is on the rocks.

I dont even know how I feel about this anymore. We have been on and off so much I am starting to give in. My partner seems to think that its ok to give up on us our piss off for days on end leaving me not knowing where he is and not knowing what to say to the kids. How am I supposed to keep getting through that and how is that being in love? I know I love him. I never believed in love. I believed you can love your children and that is the most amazing feeling in the world and the love you have for your family. I never believed you could love a man like that. Any previous relationships would very shortly leaving despising them and very irritable. Dont get me wrong, my partner gets on my wick a lot but its different. However much he gets on my wick I know I still love him. The things that make him get on my wick irritate me but not to the point where I start to dislike him or not want to be with him. He has somoe pretty gross habits and I look at him and still think I love you so much. The sad thing is it looks like we are not going to work. I have fought and fought for us. I have backed down against things that go against who I am and now I think it has come to the point I cant fight anymore. I cant comprimise anymore. It needs to stop, it needs to be about us and our family protecting and loving each other. If it isnt then it is time to leave. I have no fight left in me me for a man that acts like I am nothing to him and if I disappeared tomorrow he probably wouldnt notice. Would anyone.