Too young to die, too innocent for this world.

Today is the anniversery of when my little sister died. This also means it was my daughters birthday yesterday. Normally I just about manage to get through it but yesterday I found it really hard. I went to get some food for the party on my own and couldnt stop crying and getting upset. It is so hard this hanging over her birthday. I hate it that my little girl has this hanging over her birthday every year. Right now is the time she would have been took in the ambulance with my mum and dad following her. The police told us she was dead as soon as they had gone.  

Its 5 to six in the morning. We went out together for his birthday.He virtually ignored me as soon as we got in the club. So I left at 12 he still isnt home and has turned his phone off. But yet im still the one with the problem. Everyday I start to feel more and more worthless. 

Today is shit

Today is shit. Yesterday was shit too. Yesterday I wanted to get all the stuff for my partners birthday. Then my sister in law asked if I could pick up her daughter as her other daughter was in a dance show and wouldnt be back in time. I know this dosent sound anything major but I really cant manage more task then one. Its sets me into panic mode and I cant deal with it. Anyway so I went to get the birthday stuff shopping for ages. Laden with arms full of stuff I got to the till and realized my bankcard wasnt in my purse. F*%&* B&^^$£& F^$%^ F%$£ I then also realize i am going to be late picking her up. Shitty shit shit. So I pick her up and realize her mum didnt actually tell me what she wanted me to do with her when I pick her up and my battery is flat. BALLS im getting a bit mad now. So I found a phone box and asked my partner to ring his sister, we were near her house and what did she want me to do. She is still at the show, it still hasnt finished and it is round the corner from my house at the other end of town. OK my partner has left work by this time and half way home about 10 minutes away from me. I ask him to meet me so he can drive and tell his sister to meet at our house. I have still not fetched any presents for his birthday BALLS again. So we get home. His sister is there the kids do the frantic running up and down the stairs and its getting late. The kids are all hungry and by the time she gets the kids home on two buses it would be even later. So I make everyone tea together and take her and the kids home. It is now 7.30 and I still havent got anything. F%£$%£$%%^%^$%^$^$^$^$ now im mega stressed. I have been having panic attacks but cant facce telling anyone and keep going dizzy. Im getting more irate and just want to get stuff done and settle. Where on earth am I going to get his birthday presents from at this time? Well the only thing open is the supermarkets and toysrus at the other end of town. So he ends up with a doctor who birthday cake a toy WALL-E and a clock/counter thing for his bike. He will have to come with me to go back for the clothes I had to leave in the shop. At least I had bought a bag full of his favourite shiney stuff from poundland he seems impressed. 

Anyway so today I am just feeling shit again. I am going though emotions at ten paces since the counselling. Today I just feel pissed off. It sounds really silly but my partner has gone to work and I cant help feeling that he didnt want to spend his birthday with us. I feel like he doesnt want me to go out with him at the weekend (or ever) and that he dosent want me to be a part of it. I dont know why but I cant get it out of my head. He says he just feels rubbish because he is 30 and feeling old and shit. He is only 30 though and I dont understand why he feels like that.  We met on his birthday so it feels special and now I am feeling a bit rejected. I think I am just being slefish though. It is his birthday not mine. Its also his first birthday with our daughter and I would have like us to have been together. Dam it. I know im being a cow but I feel so upset. I havent even got anything ready for when he gets back from work. Im just so fed up. I wanted today to be nice.

A visit to the counceller

ok so today was my second visit to the councellor. The first was my initial assesment back in december and after a mix up with them sending my appointments to the old house I have been for my second visit. To be honest I am not to sure if it helps but it is only the second visit and there is a lot to deal with. I have been feeling better in myself lately I think a lot to do with the weather. My partner is back on his tablets and although he dosent think they help it is a nightmare when he dosent have them. I have been having about a zillion panic attacks in a day but to be honest they just piss me off. I am used to the bad thoughts I get them all the time but the panic attacks just make me shake and tremble. My thoughts I can distract myself but I cant stop the shaking. I even get them when I am fine. But I wont die from them I will get better they are just a pain in the ass. I cant let that beat me after getting through everything else. (hmmm it almost feels like I have a bit of me back. The me that had some fight in her that is). Anyway so at the councilling we talked about a few of my many issues. What were the trigger things that caused my depression. I realised well say realisesd but kind of knew that I was depressed from my teens. I was 13 when my brother got leukimia and I remember looking out of my bedroom window wanting to jump out. Im not sure if it was that or my dad being an arsehole or a combination of them both. (Which reminds me I have to deal with the issues about my dad. He crops up in my head all the time and I cant get past not knowing how I feel). I think in general we all became depressed then. As parents my mum and dad went through hell thinking they may lose their son. To then go and lose their daughter at such a young age is horrific. My mum and dad were children when they got together and I guess were still children when they had me at 19. To say they fought the rough times is an understatement. Yet my mum has always tried to do the best for us at any lengths, even my dad had a side to him that was the most loving dad in the world. Not often enough though and not a big enough man to be a proper father to his sons. I blame the raged cow that is his mother though too. You teach your children love compassion and responsiblity not that you are the queen and if you dont abide I will hit you with a belt. She even used to hit her sons in the balls so the would be bent to her level. Motherly love my arse. So anyway. the councellor asked about lots of things. What had triggered my deprression. So he got the list. Well what I could remember at the time. Then asked me what mood this made me in. Well my moods are pretty pessimistic. I am scared of being happy incase something bad happens and I feel constantly tired and lethargic only with a slight improvement from the warmer weather. He asked how my moods affected my behaviour. THe main one being that I avoid doing things I would have normally enjoyed. If I have something planned, I will get up get everyone ready and go. So before I have the chance to start thinking I am already at my destination. If I have no firm plan in place I will spend the day wanting to get a whole load of things done and then umming and ahhing about how I cant do this because of this and I need to get that done. Then the end result is naff all gets done. To be quite honest this is one thing that really really pisses me off about myself. I generally just do things. I never think I cant do something. I just do it and discover I can or I cant. Then I think oh well at least I tried and either try again or am fairly happy that I just wanted to see if I could. Lately though I try nothing and feel like I achieve nothing and am very ashamed of myself for that. 

So I have forgot where I am at now. Oh yeah so another one of the things I said was about my concentration. I said I feel stupid. In all honestly I feel as thick as pig shit to the point it gives me headaches trying to acheive the most simplist of tasks. He said this was a common symptom of depression. He later also said that I had called my self stupid an extreme number of times and that I was infact far from stupid. Now I dont know whether or not my councellor realizeses this but in that one sentence he made the biggest difference you could imagine. At the time I just cried when he said it but since he did all I can think of is I AM NOT STUPID. Good eh. I guess it dosent mean that much really and im sure my family have told me it a number of times but guess what everyone I AM NOT STUPID. Even if I cant spell lol. It feels massive and huge because after all this time I am not stupid. 

He also said that I need to spend some time on me. Hmmm Im not sure that will happen but I will have to try. What can I do though? I guess I could go for a cup of tea or something. I have promised to do race for life so maybe the running on my own will do me good. I also want to spend more guilt free time with my children instead of feeling like my partners son is missing out because he is at his mums. I know my partner finds it hard and it is a shame when he misses some things but my children cannot wait around doing nothing because he is not here. I also want to spend some time on my own with the baby. On a saturday my oldest two spend the day with their dad. I hate them going if im honest. He is a wanker (sorry) but they love going. I spend the day terrified because they are not with me, yes I know you may think I am over dramatical but I cant help needing to protect them from everything. I am their mum. On saturdays though my partners son is with us. Dont get me wrong I love spending time with him but it is an automatic presumption that i am looking after him. My partner needs to spend some quality time with him being daddy and son and I need to spend time with my baby. Even he had the one to one time with me when we first met that my older two did singing songs and having cuddles. He was only little and needed that too but I also need that time with my little girl. IT is important time for me. I remember the same quality time with my mum, my sisters and brothers with my mum and even my cousins and us with my aunties and my Omi (My mums mum) It is a magical time for bonding and invaluable time you cant get back. I need that with my baby aswell as more quality time with my oldest two. 

He also said that me and my partner need to spend some time together building our relationship back up. I know I love him. There is not a doubt in my mind but yes I have to admit it, I have started to dislike him and want to kick his ass lol. Dont get me wrong he can pick his nose, I still love him, he can fart I still love him (good job really given that I fart on his leg most mornings) but at times he has comprimised our relationship (and i have to) and these things need repairing. He wrote me a letter today, well email, infact it may sound like the easy way but he was at work outside in the freezing cold trying to email on a phone that does nothing what your trying to make it do and all in slow motion. So having done something it takes you twenty minutes for it to open the wrong page so you have another twenty minutes before you can start again. This has gone unnoticed and I am very overwhelmed. In it he told me how much he loved me and that he was pushing me away because he was scared that someone could take me away from him. 

  The letter was so lovely apart from him feeling rubbish about himself. There isnt a man on this earth that could take me away from him. The only man that can do that is himself. He does have to get himself better and stop pushing me away. You cant build a relationship on fear. 

anyway I think I have written as much as I can bear to go into now. Today has had me all over with emotions. Maybe ill write more later. 

We also talked about my relationship. How my partner retreats into himself and how he dosent do it intentionaly but how I find it frustrating and find I am left feeling lumbered. We talked of ways that we could make time for each other and that my partners confidence is so low it impinges on us. I do understand how he 

Love wont make it stop.

A lot of our troubles I think come from my partners drinking. I hate to say it but it makes him a twat. Sorry folks. The thing is he dosent drink in the day at all. He waits till the kids are in bed and gets himself a beer and this is where the trouble begins. He cant just have one or two he keeps going until there is nothing left. If I have bought myself a bottle of wine or even if someone else has bought me one, he will drink that. I rarely do have any but if I do it will be there all week unless he decides it his. Then most recently I have found hidden bottles. When we moved out of te old house I found an empty bottle of vodka. Then last month I found one behined the cooker. Last night he bought 3 bottles of beer. I thought fair enough thats not much probably less then most average blokes drink in a night. I feel asleep on the settee and he came back into the room pissed as a far. Me a bit confused asked him ow on earth he had got so drunk with nothing in the house? Apparently he has an emergency hip flask. To say I could have kicked his ass is an understatement. I said nothing and went to bed. He slept on the settee. I said nothing about it when I gave him his breakfast or when he went to work. Usually I would go mad. It doesnt help, it dosent stop him drinking and it dosent help my bad temper. So I have booked him an appointment at the doctors. He is going. My dad was an alcholic bully am I heading down the same path again? 

I really am so fed up and still havent stopped shaking. I even went to clean out the car to distract me from it. 

Today I am a mess

Ok today after a few crappy days and trying to be ok I am a mess. I am having one panic attack after another and im shaking like mad. First we had valentines day that was a complete pile of crap. I had a lovely day with the kids but according to my partner what is the point in making any effort. What makes it worse is the night before he went out with his friends and got hammered. He came back drunk telling me how he was going to propose and how much he loved me. The next morning he left me too get up with the kids while he carried on snoozing. Asked him to have breakast with us, still snoozing. I took him a coffee and he fell asleep drinking it. He finally got up and was annoyed with me because he overslept. Yes cheers. Anyway so we sorted things out and he said he wants us to get married. We told our families and my brother is not pleased at all. Infact im starting to wonder if anyone is. I understand why my brother is not that happy. In recent months my brother has seen me slipping from a strong independant woman to an emotional mess. This isnt just to do with my relationship though although a fairly dominant part but it is a lot to do with past issues that I have never dealt with. 

I dont know. I do feel upset about my brother though. It has hurt because I dont always agree with his decisions about his love life but have always said I will support his choices. I would never want to push him away and would always want him to feel if the shit hit the fan I am here. So yes I am feeling a bit hurt. 

Another thing that happened yesterday and is probably the biggest reason for the panic attacks today. I had been trying for ages to get the baby to sleep. I was shattered te baby was shattered and getting restless. I had just got her to sleep when there was the loudest knocking on the door. Even te dogs didnt take kindly to the banging, so it set them off thinking something was wrong and barking like mad. Now bear in mind this was only around 2 o clock in the afternoon. I opened the door to a bloke swaying stinking of booze, can of cider in his hand and cider dribbling out of his mouth and all down his front. Another mate of the landlords asking if he is in and as he wasnt could I send him his love. Needless to say I was quite shock up and extremly pissed off. We already had some friends of his knocking on the door that were known smack heads. I have young children I really dont want these people at my door especially when my partner is at work. So now everytime someone goes passed I am shaking again. Great stuff.