A visit to the counceller

ok so today was my second visit to the councellor. The first was my initial assesment back in december and after a mix up with them sending my appointments to the old house I have been for my second visit. To be honest I am not to sure if it helps but it is only the second visit and there is a lot to deal with. I have been feeling better in myself lately I think a lot to do with the weather. My partner is back on his tablets and although he dosent think they help it is a nightmare when he dosent have them. I have been having about a zillion panic attacks in a day but to be honest they just piss me off. I am used to the bad thoughts I get them all the time but the panic attacks just make me shake and tremble. My thoughts I can distract myself but I cant stop the shaking. I even get them when I am fine. But I wont die from them I will get better they are just a pain in the ass. I cant let that beat me after getting through everything else. (hmmm it almost feels like I have a bit of me back. The me that had some fight in her that is). Anyway so at the councilling we talked about a few of my many issues. What were the trigger things that caused my depression. I realised well say realisesd but kind of knew that I was depressed from my teens. I was 13 when my brother got leukimia and I remember looking out of my bedroom window wanting to jump out. Im not sure if it was that or my dad being an arsehole or a combination of them both. (Which reminds me I have to deal with the issues about my dad. He crops up in my head all the time and I cant get past not knowing how I feel). I think in general we all became depressed then. As parents my mum and dad went through hell thinking they may lose their son. To then go and lose their daughter at such a young age is horrific. My mum and dad were children when they got together and I guess were still children when they had me at 19. To say they fought the rough times is an understatement. Yet my mum has always tried to do the best for us at any lengths, even my dad had a side to him that was the most loving dad in the world. Not often enough though and not a big enough man to be a proper father to his sons. I blame the raged cow that is his mother though too. You teach your children love compassion and responsiblity not that you are the queen and if you dont abide I will hit you with a belt. She even used to hit her sons in the balls so the would be bent to her level. Motherly love my arse. So anyway. the councellor asked about lots of things. What had triggered my deprression. So he got the list. Well what I could remember at the time. Then asked me what mood this made me in. Well my moods are pretty pessimistic. I am scared of being happy incase something bad happens and I feel constantly tired and lethargic only with a slight improvement from the warmer weather. He asked how my moods affected my behaviour. THe main one being that I avoid doing things I would have normally enjoyed. If I have something planned, I will get up get everyone ready and go. So before I have the chance to start thinking I am already at my destination. If I have no firm plan in place I will spend the day wanting to get a whole load of things done and then umming and ahhing about how I cant do this because of this and I need to get that done. Then the end result is naff all gets done. To be quite honest this is one thing that really really pisses me off about myself. I generally just do things. I never think I cant do something. I just do it and discover I can or I cant. Then I think oh well at least I tried and either try again or am fairly happy that I just wanted to see if I could. Lately though I try nothing and feel like I achieve nothing and am very ashamed of myself for that. 

So I have forgot where I am at now. Oh yeah so another one of the things I said was about my concentration. I said I feel stupid. In all honestly I feel as thick as pig shit to the point it gives me headaches trying to acheive the most simplist of tasks. He said this was a common symptom of depression. He later also said that I had called my self stupid an extreme number of times and that I was infact far from stupid. Now I dont know whether or not my councellor realizeses this but in that one sentence he made the biggest difference you could imagine. At the time I just cried when he said it but since he did all I can think of is I AM NOT STUPID. Good eh. I guess it dosent mean that much really and im sure my family have told me it a number of times but guess what everyone I AM NOT STUPID. Even if I cant spell lol. It feels massive and huge because after all this time I am not stupid. 

He also said that I need to spend some time on me. Hmmm Im not sure that will happen but I will have to try. What can I do though? I guess I could go for a cup of tea or something. I have promised to do race for life so maybe the running on my own will do me good. I also want to spend more guilt free time with my children instead of feeling like my partners son is missing out because he is at his mums. I know my partner finds it hard and it is a shame when he misses some things but my children cannot wait around doing nothing because he is not here. I also want to spend some time on my own with the baby. On a saturday my oldest two spend the day with their dad. I hate them going if im honest. He is a wanker (sorry) but they love going. I spend the day terrified because they are not with me, yes I know you may think I am over dramatical but I cant help needing to protect them from everything. I am their mum. On saturdays though my partners son is with us. Dont get me wrong I love spending time with him but it is an automatic presumption that i am looking after him. My partner needs to spend some quality time with him being daddy and son and I need to spend time with my baby. Even he had the one to one time with me when we first met that my older two did singing songs and having cuddles. He was only little and needed that too but I also need that time with my little girl. IT is important time for me. I remember the same quality time with my mum, my sisters and brothers with my mum and even my cousins and us with my aunties and my Omi (My mums mum) It is a magical time for bonding and invaluable time you cant get back. I need that with my baby aswell as more quality time with my oldest two. 

He also said that me and my partner need to spend some time together building our relationship back up. I know I love him. There is not a doubt in my mind but yes I have to admit it, I have started to dislike him and want to kick his ass lol. Dont get me wrong he can pick his nose, I still love him, he can fart I still love him (good job really given that I fart on his leg most mornings) but at times he has comprimised our relationship (and i have to) and these things need repairing. He wrote me a letter today, well email, infact it may sound like the easy way but he was at work outside in the freezing cold trying to email on a phone that does nothing what your trying to make it do and all in slow motion. So having done something it takes you twenty minutes for it to open the wrong page so you have another twenty minutes before you can start again. This has gone unnoticed and I am very overwhelmed. In it he told me how much he loved me and that he was pushing me away because he was scared that someone could take me away from him. 

  The letter was so lovely apart from him feeling rubbish about himself. There isnt a man on this earth that could take me away from him. The only man that can do that is himself. He does have to get himself better and stop pushing me away. You cant build a relationship on fear. 

anyway I think I have written as much as I can bear to go into now. Today has had me all over with emotions. Maybe ill write more later. 

We also talked about my relationship. How my partner retreats into himself and how he dosent do it intentionaly but how I find it frustrating and find I am left feeling lumbered. We talked of ways that we could make time for each other and that my partners confidence is so low it impinges on us. I do understand how he