Today I am a mess

Ok today after a few crappy days and trying to be ok I am a mess. I am having one panic attack after another and im shaking like mad. First we had valentines day that was a complete pile of crap. I had a lovely day with the kids but according to my partner what is the point in making any effort. What makes it worse is the night before he went out with his friends and got hammered. He came back drunk telling me how he was going to propose and how much he loved me. The next morning he left me too get up with the kids while he carried on snoozing. Asked him to have breakast with us, still snoozing. I took him a coffee and he fell asleep drinking it. He finally got up and was annoyed with me because he overslept. Yes cheers. Anyway so we sorted things out and he said he wants us to get married. We told our families and my brother is not pleased at all. Infact im starting to wonder if anyone is. I understand why my brother is not that happy. In recent months my brother has seen me slipping from a strong independant woman to an emotional mess. This isnt just to do with my relationship though although a fairly dominant part but it is a lot to do with past issues that I have never dealt with. 

I dont know. I do feel upset about my brother though. It has hurt because I dont always agree with his decisions about his love life but have always said I will support his choices. I would never want to push him away and would always want him to feel if the shit hit the fan I am here. So yes I am feeling a bit hurt. 

Another thing that happened yesterday and is probably the biggest reason for the panic attacks today. I had been trying for ages to get the baby to sleep. I was shattered te baby was shattered and getting restless. I had just got her to sleep when there was the loudest knocking on the door. Even te dogs didnt take kindly to the banging, so it set them off thinking something was wrong and barking like mad. Now bear in mind this was only around 2 o clock in the afternoon. I opened the door to a bloke swaying stinking of booze, can of cider in his hand and cider dribbling out of his mouth and all down his front. Another mate of the landlords asking if he is in and as he wasnt could I send him his love. Needless to say I was quite shock up and extremly pissed off. We already had some friends of his knocking on the door that were known smack heads. I have young children I really dont want these people at my door especially when my partner is at work. So now everytime someone goes passed I am shaking again. Great stuff.